“My husband taught me many important lessons about life,” Mrs Cooper was telling the girls, “but the most important one he needed to repeat to me over and over again until I started believing it – The past is a lighthouse, not a port.”
Some of the girls frowned, so Mrs Cooper hastened to explain.
“Lighthouses show ships the way, they illuminate any dangerous rocks or reefs along the coastline, and help guide ships safely into harbours, where ships dock in and then remain there. Now, the fact that you used to be prostitutes,” she said the word with no judgement whatsoever, “that can become your port, something that you sit in without moving, something that you allow to mark the rest of your life. Or,” she looked at all of their faces, “it can be a lighthouse that illuminates which circumstances or choices had led you there, and helps you avoid those dangerous shores and such mistakes in the future.”
Elizabeth kept biting the inside of her cheek, but it didn’t help; the tears started to flow regardless. She quickly stood up and left the room. In the hallway, she pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes to the point of pain, but her chest still shook with silent sobs. By the time Mrs Cooper joined her, she had mostlycalmed down, but she knew that her eyes were red and her face was blotchy; luckily, Mrs Cooper pretended she hadn’t noticed a thing.
On the way home, Elizabeth thought about her own past and how she had, perhaps, spent too much time anchored in it, instead of using it to navigate life better.
She thought of her father and all the men who had taken advantage of her students at the Magdalen Hospital, but she also thought of all the good men she knew, how kind they were, and how much they all loved their wives (Mr. Ed, and Robert, and on some days, even Nicholas!).
The carriage stopped to pick up the men from their assignment, and Lizzie gave them a little smile.
Is Colin one of the good men? Can he be, despite what he did?
The fact that her husband had repeatedly refused to let her go warmed Elizabeth’s heart, but the hurt and anger in it were still stronger.
As soon as the Talbots entered the Mayfair house, they were greeted by Mary screaming as she waved a letter at them.
“Thomas promised to finally visit! This summer, after the baby’s born!”
Elizabeth joined in the screaming and hugged Mary, while Talbot observed the two of them for a while with narrowed eyes, and then asked, “Would this Thomas be your brother, the sailor?”
Mary was too happy to detect his icy tone, but Lizzie was inordinately amused by his old jealousy.
Had he been jealous all those months ago? But that would mean… No. Impossible.
She shook the thought off and continued celebrating with Mary.
***
One night mid-January, after dinner with Lady Burnham and cousin Andrew, when the Talbots had just finished saying goodbye to their guests, and Elizabeth was going to make her escape to the kitchen, her husband turned to her and asked, “Would you mind joining me in the library for a bit?”
“Have you forgiven the Duke yet?” Mrs Barlow had asked her the night before, as she did almost every night when they sat in the kitchen.
“Still avoiding him whenever I can help it,” Elizabeth had replied without any venom in her tone. “I’m actually planning on avoiding him even more.”
“Oh, yes, please tell them your grand plan,” Mary said reproachfully, and Elizabeth ran her tongue over her teeth in frustration.
“What plan?” Jane asked with narrowed eyes.
“She wants me to go to Norwich and have my child there, and she would accompany me and then… stay. She thinks the duke’s obligations in Parliament would prevent him from being there with her full time,” Mary said, her tone indicating that it was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard.
“It’s a reasonable plan,” Elizabeth protested, then pressed the fingertips of both her hands against her forehead. “I just can’t live like this anymore. Something needs to change somehow.”
The other women in the kitchen just exchanged looks and didn’t say anything.
Now, she was so taken aback by the request and the pleading tone it had been delivered in, while, at the same time, still under the influence of the good mood of a pleasant evening spent in the company of friends, that she found herself agreeing.
On the way to the library, Lizzie recalled what an important part of their days their intimate library evenings used to be, and she realised that it had been months (How has it been almost three months?She gasped internally.) since the last time they spent an evening together, just the two of them.
She had never spent much time in the Mayfair house library, so, after moving in, Talbot set up a sort of study for himself in it. Since Lizzie avoided her husband, she also avoided the room, and this was her first time visiting it. Upon entering, the first thing that caught her eye was the fact that it was almost indistinguishable from his other two studies that she’d seen.
He really likes his things a certain way,she mused as she looked around the room.
On the wall across from his desk were two paintings that she’d never seen before. Based on the placement, it seemed reasonable to conclude that he liked looking at them and spent a lot of time doing it, including right now.
One painting showed a solitary horseman somewhere in the countryside, surrounded by fields, with only a lone cottage in the distance.
