Was this what Colin had seen in her: mornings, summer rain, salt, and life springing from the ground, the essence of the unforgettable summer they had spent together in Norfolk; or was asking about the recipient merely a salesman’s trick that they used atFloristo sell fragrances?
It was only last November that I came out,she thought wearily as she pressed her forehead against the window glass,yet it feels like I’ve lived three lifetimes since then.
Despite these numerous lifetimes, she was now in exactly the same place she had been in December of last year – sitting in her Mayfair house with a cup of hot chocolate; only now she had an ache in her heart that was entirely new.
We were so happy in Norwich,her traitorous mind whispered, but Lizzie quickly reminded herself that any happiness based on a lie was also a lie. Still, she couldn’t stop missing the feeling of lightness and freedom she’d experienced there. She opened the vial again and lifted it to her nose.
As she opened her eyes and set the vial down again, she returned to the life that kept asking so much of her that she sometimes felt like sleeping the days away.
In the days following her conversation with Lady Burnham, Elizabeth spent countless hours repeating to herself the cruelwords she’d overheard about herself at the Fairchild ball. It was a delicate form of self-flagellation that served to heighten her pain and anger to enable her to remain cold to the man who contritely met her eyes each morning and evening and demonstrated endless, patient gentleness when he spoke to her. It was imperative for her not to forget how he truly felt.
The damned perfume made it more difficult to hold on to the anger. Which of Colin’s opinions of her was real? The one she heard with her own ears, or the image of her he’d supposedly laid out before the perfumer?
Not even reading could stop her from tormenting herself with these questions for the rest of the week. A parcel had been delivered to her fromHatchardsand, although she valiantly ignored it whenever her husband was around, she would sneak a book into her bedroom every night and, against every frugal fibre of her soul, waste her candle long into the night in her pursuit of a temporary reprieve, as Thunder calmly slept in his spot by the fireplace.
These werenewbooks, something Elizabeth had never let herself enjoy. And why would she, when there were so many shops selling used books in this city?These are not better merely because they’re new,she kept telling herself, yet she continually ran her fingertips over their cloth binding and the uncut pages and mentally compared them to the worn copies she used to buy for her students.
The heroine inEmmahad vexed her so much that she’d been unable to finish the book. Another reason she had a hard time reading it was the continuous reminders of her niece, who was currently in Ashbury because Sophie had gone into confinement,and both of Sophie’s sisters were there with them. Lizzie missed them as well, particularly Isabella.
Most of all, of course, Elizabeth missed Emma, but was also aware that she was the one to blame for their decreased contact. She was aware that, as the adult, it was her duty to be in charge of building the relationship with the child, but it wasn’t always easy, and now the bond with her niece had suffered because of Lizzie’s issues with her brother.
Nicholas was writing to her regularly: long, effusive letters in which he revealed many hitherto unknown parts of himself. Writing seemed to be a form that allowed him to express himself better than he was able to in person, and, although she initially replied only to inquire about Emma and Sophie, Elizabeth slowly found herself responding to his letters with increased warmth and enthusiasm.
Pamelahad managed to hold her attention for a while, but when she was finished with it, she couldn’t help but consider her parents once again. Had her mother read the book as a young girl? Had she deluded herself that her story would end the same way, that she’d hold onto her virtue and be rewarded for it?
Her mother never talked about faith or went to church, but could that be because she deemed herself fallen? Soiled and unworthy?
For the first time, Elizabeth realised (not without shame) that her mother had also been a victim of her father. As a child, she had been too young and selfish to worry about anyone else, so she had focused only on her own pain and feelings of abandonment.
And then I spent years fearing that my brother would abandon me like our father had, she thought and then frowned,which, ultimately, he did.And now, in true Hawkins fashion, I am abandoning my niece.
She’d never had any expectations of Charlotte, who’d always been wary and cold. Charlotte, who had called on her sister onlyoncesince her illness. During that visit, Lizzie just sat there, as cold and detached as Charlotte usually was, for the first time since they had been properly introduced to each other, and let her half-sister scramble to make conversation without coming to her aid once.
She smiled at the memory.
“Ma’am, the Doctor is here,” the maid’s voice roused her from her musings.
“Thank you, Susan, please send him in,” she replied, setting her now-cold cup down on the table and smoothing the skirt of her boring brown dress.
“Good morning, Your Grace.”
“Doctor Cooper, good morning,” Lizzie stood up and greeted her guest with genuine warmth in her voice. “Did Mrs. Cooper accompany you today?”
His eyes brightened at the mention of his wife, as they always did. It probably wasn’t obvious to everyone, but Elizabeth had noticed it early in their acquaintance.
“She does charitable work on Wednesdays, and usually I do, too, but your note sounded urgent.”
“I apologise, I shall not hold you up for long,” Lizzie said anxiously, but he held up his palm and shook his head to indicate she needn’t worry. “Very well, please have a seat.”
After she (politely) offered and he (even more politely) declined refreshments, Elizabeth told him the reason for her note.
“My friend is with child, for the first time in her five years of marriage, and I was wondering whether there was some particular type of help or care she needed during this time.”
“Is she certain this is the first time, and is she certain she is with child now? How many courses has she missed?”
“Let me ring for her, I’m certain she can respond to all of your questions better than I can.”
“Hold on, I would like Mrs. Cooper to examine her, she’s a very skilled midwife. I can bring her by on Friday, and you inform your friend? That way, we can settle everything at once.”
