I don’t have to answer him.
Rowan moves and leaves the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him from behind, my voice thin. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”
Rowan barely turns in profile but doesn’t look at me or say anything. He just leaves me alone in my apartment, with the stench of smoke hanging in the air and guilt expanding in every part of me.
* * *
AT DINNER, I am rather quiet, which is very rare for me. Mason asks me more than once if everything is all right, and I just smile and nod, hoping to be convincing. However, from the way he doesn’t take his eyes off me throughout the meal, I’m guessing I suck at that, too.
Mason is Mark in every way. He also has the same protective instincts, especially towards me. I wonder what I have ever done to deserve my niblings’ love and my brother’s love, which is unconditional and pure. I wonder if I will ever do anything good with my life. I wonder if I can care for another human being, or rather three little human beings.
I sigh sadly. My pizza sits almost untouched on my plate, and the chatter of my niblings is lost in my thoughts and silence.
“Another beer, Mr Kennedy?” Mr Yang asks Rowan.
“No, thank you. And please, call me Rowan.”
“Whatever you say, Mr Kennedy.”
Rowan laughs as Mr Yang gets up to tidy up a bit, immediately helped by the kids. I’m glad he can at least make him laugh because Rowan barely opens his mouth except to grunt after the incident in the kitchen.
I want to say something to apologise or to make him look at me with kind eyes and a sincere smile, but everything I can think of seems stupid and meaningless. Not to mention the fact that I have been choking back tears throughout the meal, and they are now threatening to come out as embarrassing cries and even more embarrassing sobs.
It is not just that I have once again failed someone in life. Above all, I could have put the kids’ lives in danger, something I don’t know if I can forgive myself for.
“I’ve been… hard on you.” Rowan breaks the silence. “Maybe too hard.”
I shake my head slowly. I don’t look up from my plate.
“I went too far. Paul says I can be a real arsehole. I guess he’s right.”
“You haven’t… done…” I swallow another wave of tears. “Nothing. And you’re right.”
“About me being an arsehole?”
I laugh despite myself. “About being hard on me.”
“The judge is not going to be kind to you, Seth. And the opposing lawyers… Those guys will tear you apart.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“You can’t afford to make a mistake.”
“I know. I get it.” I pull up my nose. I can’t help it.
Rowan sighs, and then his hand rests lightly on mine, abandoned on my legs. An unexpected and sweet contact that does the devil a world of good but, unfortunately, breaks down the barrier between my lack of self-control and my naïve tears.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, my voice cracking with tears.
“I know. And I know you will work hard to be careful from now on. About everything.”
I look up at him. His eyes have returned gentle and beautiful.
“I promise.”
* * *
