“We all need a moment before we continue,” he says. His hard eyes fixed on me.
I waited until everyone had left the courtroom, including the children. I sat in my seat, calm, Seth standing next to me, waiting. He just asked Mr Yang and Ross to take the kids away, then fell silent.
Paul was the last to leave. I had a feeling he didn’t want to leave me alone with Seth, so he told me he’d be waiting by the door.
I don’t know how long it will be before I have the courage to look at him again after what I heard about him in court today, and I don’t know how he can find the courage to look me in the eye and sell me his sob story, which is nothing more than the same old story of a drug addict who will do anything to get high, who knows no end and who has no dignity. I can’t believe that the person described by that man is the same one who held me close at night, who gave me sweetness, security, and the feeling of having found a place to call home.
“How could you… How could you lie like that? Lie to me.”
“Rowan…” His voice weak, his throat full of tears. “Let me…”
“I don’t know if I want to hear what you have to say.”
“I understand that things seem terrible, and they are, I’m aware of that, I don’t want justifications, I have no right to them.”
“No,” I turn to him. “You don’t.”
Seth holds my gaze for more seconds than I could in his place, then lowers his head.
“What I heard today… There are not enough words to express my disappointment.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s not enough.”
“Please…”
“I don’t want to hear another word. I have this other mess to clean up.”
“This other mess?” Seth asks, his voice shaking. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean.”
“Oh… of course. I’m the one who only makes disasters.”
I take off my glasses and throw them on the table. “You know I don’t like surprises.”
“I’m sorry…”
“Stop apologising!” I raise my voice and stand up. “I’ve told you so many times that you have to be prepared, play ahead. Instead, I am confronted with lies and omissions.”
“I… I am sorry,” he says again, his lip trembling and tears streaming down his face.
“A lifetime of apologies for such a reprehensible act would not be enough.” I shake my head vigorously. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“Hey,” Paul puts a hand on my shoulder. He must have heard me raise my voice. “Why don’t we all take a break?”
“Because the judge only gave us half a day. The hearing resumes tomorrow morning, and I need to have a good excuse for my client’s behaviour.”
“I’m on it.”
Paul and I turn to Seth, whom I have just defined as my client. I was late in realising what I had said, but I had done it.
“I’ll speak tomorrow.”
“I really don’t think so.”
“You really don’t want to trust me, do you?”
