* * *
WHEN WE GO to bed, we are still far apart, and not just physically. We lie on opposite sides of the bed, turned away from each other, treating our sides of the bed as forbidden territory.
I don’t like this situation and I don’t like the fact that I’ve made him feel uncomfortable. He shared something very intimate and secret with me, trusting my discretion and sensitivity. I understand that this was an important step for him. I also feel that I owe him a part of me that no one knows. I feel that I need him to approach me in the same way that I approach him.
“When it happened... When the incident happened, I was the first to be contacted.”
Rowan shifts onto his back.
“Mark and Jillian went away for a weekend alone. Their first since Mason was born. They never wanted to leave the kids. They weren’t worried, it was just that… That they were so close.” I wipe away a tear with my hand. “It was their wedding anniversary. They wanted… They wanted a romantic getaway, and I immediately offered to stay with the children. I took two days off, got the house ready for their arrival… I was so excited.”
I wipe away more tears.
Rowan turns his head towards me, his arm brushing against mine under the sheets, his fingers searching intimately and gently for mine.
“I was at the supermarket shopping for them when I received the call. When I arrived at the hospital, they told me that Jillian had died in the ambulance and that Mark was in critical condition, not breathing on his own…” Tears stream down my face, but I don’t wipe them away; instead, I use my free hand to stifle my sobs. “They took me to see him…” I pause for a moment. A new wave of pain washes over me.
Rowan turns on his side, his face a breath away from mine, his hand gently wiping away my tears for me. I turn too, his eyes shining and huge, as if they could feel my pain and anguish.
“He had a tube down his throat and… the machines and…” Rowan is now tenderly wiping away my tears with both hands. “They told me that his brain was… That he was gone. But I sat next to him and talked to him anyway, you know?”
“And what did you tell him?” He whispers as softly as he caresses my face.
“I told him it was OK. That he could go to Jillian and that I would look after everything here. That I loved him very much and that I would miss him like hell, but that I would make it work. For him and for the children. I told him I would be strong for all of them.”
Rowan gives me a smile of pure beauty before coming closer and planting a soft kiss on my forehead. I snuggle up against him and let him hold me, as if this one gesture of his invited me to cry in his arms, to let someone see me in my frightening and real fragility.
“I took his hand and waited for him to be ready. I was with him. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want him to be alone.”
“You were brave. And strong.”
“I wasn’t. But I had to try. I didn’t want his last memory on this Earth to be his brother crying desperately at his bedside, begging him not to leave him.”
I pause and take a deep breath, then continue.
“I was the one who told the kids. They had to hear it from me. And I tried, I swear, to stay calm.”
“I’m sure you did your best.”
I pull out of his embrace and look at him. “That’s nice of you to say, but we both know it’s bullshit.”
Rowan laughs, a single glistening tear in his eyes.
“It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Their eyes, the pain, the tears… I was afraid I couldn’t do it.”
“And yet you did. You stood by them. You took care of them and you continue to do so every day.”
“It’s not easy to talk about this moment. I don’t think I’ve ever done it with anyone.”
“Thank you for sharing it with me.”
I give him a faint smile.
“It’s not good to keep your pain to yourself.”
I want to tell him that it is not good for him either, but I don’t want him to think that I am taking advantage of the moment to know all his secrets. Perhaps one day he will tell me. When he wants, if he wants, I will be here.
“You do your best, Seth. And the kids know it. And I’m sure Mark and Jillian know it, too.”
