“It didn’t go much better for me than it did for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I went over to him at a friend’s party. I told him that… Well, I told him…” I clear my throat, uncomfortable. “Basically, I told him that whenever he was around, I was always…”
“Oh, my God!” Sean exclaims in amusement.
“And that I wanted him to help me with my… Problem.”
“You didn’t!”
I laugh, and so does Sean.
“I had a few drinks, so I was pretty direct.”
“What did he say?”
I smile at the memory. “He said he was flattered, but I wasn’t his type.”
“Then what happened?”
“He asked if everything was okay between us. I told him that if it was okay for him, it was okay for me…”
“Typical Jake.”
“He gave me a hug, told me that our friendship was important to him, and I felt myself die inside at the thought of even thinking about it.”
“Jake is the best friend you could ask for.”
“Yeah.”
We fall slowly back into step, in silence. This evening has been something I never expected, and now I have to work out how to deal with it. And I have to do so quickly, because we’re almost at his house.
“The city is always so beautiful at Christmas,” Sean says. His voice is different; deeper, more intimate. It crawls under my skin. “I used to love this time of year.”
I can’t help but notice he’s speaking in the past tense.
“You don’t like it anymore?”
“It’s complicated now.”
We cross the road and approach the door to his building, which sits above a Chinese takeaway.
“When I was younger, we used to have this huge Christmas dinner, with candles, tablecloths, napkin rings…” He takes off his glasses and folds them, twirling them between his fingers. “It didn’t seem like a big deal back then… Jake’s family would always come, too.”
I listen to his sad story.
“It was such a nice feeling – to leave everything to one side for the day and enjoy each other’s company. To appreciate family, friends, hopes, dreams.”
I don’t know the feeling he’s describing. It was so different for me – but I don’t want to taint his memory with my own.
“This is what Christmas does to me now.” He shakes his head. “It turns me into a bumbling old professor who can’t stop talking about the good old days. You must be so bored of listening to me.”
I shake my head. “Not at all.”
His eyes land on mine, and suddenly my mind, body, and soul are in perfect harmony. It’s something I’ll keep treasure in my memory for a long time.
“This Christmas will be very different.”
