“Not being alone, for once. It was…” I sigh. “Comforting.”
“I get it.”
“It was nice not to have to deal withhimand his…fiancéalone,” I say, through gritted teeth.
“Fiancé?” Jake’s eyes widen.
“They announced it at the fundraiser.”
“What the hell!”
“I wasn’t expecting it. Not after… Well, I mean… You know what happened.”
“Of course I do! What a son of a…”
“But I guess I couldn’t help but think… Come on.”
“Couldn’t help but think he’d go back to you? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just know that I’ve made a mess.”
It’s as if he’s broken my heart all over again.
“I’m sorry, mate. I understand how you feel, believe me, but this isn’t the way to make yourself feel better. A fake boyfriend? It’ll never work.”
“That was never my intention. I just didn’t want to feel so alone.”
“You could always try finding an actual date.”
“Too complicated.”
“Complicated?”
“Starting over, meeting someone, trying to work out whether they like me, trying to…” I sigh, exhausted. My fingers fiddle with my pint glass. “I don’t think I could do it again.”
“You don’t want to get hurt.”
I shrug. That’s the gist of it, no matter what words you use to get there.
“Easier to just pretend, right?”
“Safer.”
“Safe from having your heart broken again?”
“Something like that.”
“You’ll never get over him, will you?”
I don’t need to tell him. He knows exactly how I feel, and he knows how I was, how I reacted. He knows that, even now, I still take a moment before getting into bed just to make sure that no one will be lying beside me.
It won’t pass. As much as I want it to, with everything I am. It’ll never pass.
There’s no way to put a heart back together. There’s no cure, no way to heal. All you can do is try to move forward, to survive, to defend yourself.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
* * *
