“After him, it took me a long time to be okay with myself again – to take control of my life.”
“Did he hurt you?” he asks, direct.
“I didn’t realise at the time, I don’t think – or maybe I just didn’t want to see. But yes, he did.” Admitting it doesn’t make me feel weak like I thought it would. It actually makes me feel stronger, ready to leave this all behind me. “I was codependent, I was… subdued. I was… I was…”
Eric’s hand strokes my face so sweetly that it melts away all the emotion in my eyes. He notices right away, smiling as he dries a tear which has escaped against my will.
“You know that you’re safe with me, right?”
I nod slowly.
“That I’d never hurt you in any way, never make you do anything you didn’t want to do, never… Never cause you pain.” He takes a nervous breath, then continues. “That I respect and admire you and Mila, the things you’ve achieved, the way you look out for each other.”
I smile and another tear makes its way down my cheek. This time, Eric doesn’t dry it, but lets it settle on my lips. I close my eyes for just a moment and Eric’s mouth moves gently across my face, stripping me of the strength to breathe.
“What are you doing…?”
He looks at me. “You know what I’m doing.”
“This isn’t pretend.”
I say this more to myself than to him. I’m the one who needs to be convinced.
“Because everything else was?”
I laugh nervously.
“Let yourself go, Sean. Tonight. Let yourself go to me.”
39Eric
“It’s not that easy.”
“Trust me, it’s not easy for me, either.”
“Then maybe we should just leave things as they are.”
“Maybe. Or maybe…” I press my nose into his skin and inhale his scent, muddled with the smell of cinnamon and burnt wood in the air. “Maybe we should try and take this fake relationship to the next level.” My lips trace a path down his neck, where they rest, wet and trembling, right against his pulse.
“Taking this further would complicate everything.”
My eyes land on his mouth.
“I thought they already were complicated.”
“Because of last night?”
My hand moves to the back of his neck, my thumb stroking his stubbled jawline.
“They’ve been complicated since the day I kissed you.”
“A-Are you serious?”
I smile, embarrassed. I feel stupid now, but the truth is that things started to change really early; since the first time I felt his breathing meld with mine.
“You told me I shouldn’t touch you, but you…”
I press my mouth against his to swallow the rest of his sentence. I don’t want to remember how much of a dick I was, the way I treated him, the bullshit I said to keep him and myself from the inevitable fall. But we’re already falling, and we’re falling together. I just hope that Sean doesn’t drop my hand before we make impact.
