“Can you stop doing that? At least when I’m around.”
I shake myself out of my fantasy.
“Stop looking at her arse like that. If she notices, she’ll kick you in the balls.”
“I wasn’t…”
“Here you go,” Christine hands me a beer, grabs a slice of pizza, and sits herself back down. She pushes two cushions behind her back and crosses her legs, perfectly at ease – obviously, itisher house – as if my presence isn’t bothering her, despite everything that’s happened between us.
I lean back against the sofa and stretch my legs out, trying to find the comfiest position. Evan passes me the box and I take a slice of pizza, as he presses play and the film begins.
Music, dialogue, jokes…I try to follow it all, but I’m distracted. Not because the film is bad, but because my eye keeps slipping towards my right, towards her: so natural and so easy in everything she does.
So…her.
“You know the film’s in front of you,” Evan whispers.
This boy is starting to get on my nerves – but I realise that, if he’s noticed my obsessive staring, she might too. So I turn my attention back to the screen, just as Adam Levine strikes up with one of the soundtrack’s songs.
Please don’t see… Just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies… Please see me… Reaching out for someone I can’t see.
And my mind, my eyes and all of my nerves are focused, once again, on her. Because I realise that she’s right about who I am: a little boy, spoilt, immature – someone you can use for a night or two but who, in the end, has nothing else to offer.
Even though I felt something, even though I believed that she mirrored exactly what I’d been trying to hide in myself, it’s not enough. It won’t help me forget the past, go back to who I was, take a chance.
I can’t take that chance.
Not even for a woman like her.
But are we all lost stars tying to light up the dark?... Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?1
She shines everywhere. But she can shine on her own, because she doesn’t need anyone else’s light; definitely not mine, which is so dark and sombre that it could swallow her up.
Maybe we really are just two lost souls. Maybe she needs to find her way, to escape, while I can’t do anything but pull her back, then leave her alone.
We can’t be anything.
We can’t shine together.
* * *
As Christine takesthe leftovers through to the kitchen, Evan starts to chat to me.
“So, you’re kind of famous.”
I can already tell from his tone that he’s taking the piss.
“I’m just on the team.”
“I don’t care about rugby.”
“Have you ever tried?”
“It’s not easy when your mum spends all day at work and no one can take you to training.”
“And…your dad?” I try.
“He’s MIA most of the time. Someone else who’s always busy.”
