“That’s not my problem.”
“Did you go and see…?”
“No!” I scream. “I didn’t go and see her, I haven’t been there since…” I tail off.
My breath catches. Whatever I have in place of a heart stops.
The revelation hits me, unexpectedly and surprisingly. It’s enough to make me fall, a dead weight, onto the bench. It hits me square in the face, blurring my senses.
I can’t remember the last time I went and waited outside that house. Maybe it was a week ago, maybe more. Maybe it’s since I saw her dancing in the café, or maybe since I saw the way she helped my father. Maybe…
I close my eyes.
I’m suffocating. Someone is suffocating me. She’s holding me up by the shoulders as I drown in a puddle of water. My lungs are filling with water, my heart has stopped pumping and my mind is losing its clarity.
Jesus Christ, how did this happen?
“Hello? Are you there? I’m starting to get seriously worried.”
“I haven’t been outside her house anymore, Ian,” I tell him, my breathing short.
“Okay. I want to believe you.”
“It’s something worse.”
He sits down.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not now.”
“So does that mean we’re just going to sit here in silence until you feel ready?”
“It’s going to take some time.”
Ian laughs. “Ah, Ryan. You’ve never been very good at hiding things – you don’t even know how to keep a secret. Like the time we gave you your first beer, and you ran straight to Mum and Dad to tell them.”
“I’m not that little boy anymore.”
“That little boy is always there,” he says, poking my chest with a finger.
“I’ve grown up.”
“That’s true, but who you are will always be there, Ryan. Even though you try to hide it and pretend to be someone else.”
“Are we still talking about me?”
“It’s the same for everyone. You’re struggling, and I can tell. I know when you’re lying, when you’re pretending. You’re not this guy that you want everyone to see. You’re scared, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to be. But being scared doesn’t mean you can hurt others.”
“How do you know I’ve hurt anyone?”
He smiles. “Because you’re a good guy, and you can never do anything wrong without your guilt eating you up afterwards.”
I shake my head, annoyed.
“You’re not really capable of being nasty.”
“But I really am.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
