I let my head fall into my hands.
“The only thing she didn’t want was me.”
“I’m sorry. For everything. I swear to you that I never meant…”
“You’ve already said that, Nick. But I can’t help but think that, if you weren’t the bastard that you are, maybe she could’ve reconsidered. Maybe we could’ve worked through our problems, maybe after…”
“She would never have gone back to you, and you know that.”
His words rip through me, like shards of glass tearing through my heart.
“You’re just trying to clear your conscience.”
“How would that help? You hate me anyway.”
“Oh, come on, Nick.” I get to my feet and start pacing nervously around the room. “Do you really think I hate you?”
“Well, it’s what you’ve been telling me for years, every time we see each other.”
I shake my head. “I only hate myself.”
“What do you have to do with it?”
“I was an idiot. I gave everything up for her. I’m…a failure.”
“No, you’re not.” He stands up too. “Look, you’re still here. Still in the team, Ryan…”
“I can’t…”
“What?”
“I can’t be me anymore.”
He looks at me, confused.
“I can’t be that person anymore.”
“People change – life changes us. So does disappointment.”
“I didn’t want to turn out like…this. But now I can’t do anything else. It’s like I’m stuck, on a loop, and I can’t find a way out.”
“You’ll find it at the right moment.”
“Look at Ian…what has he become?”
Nick smiles at me. “He’s become you.”
“It’s like a sick fucking joke.”
He shrugs. “He found the right life with the right person.”
“Don’t tell me you believe in all that bullshit.”
“I didn’t believe in it, then I saw them together…And maybe, for some people, it works. But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.”
I nod and sit back down.
“That doesn’t mean it can’t happen for you, though. If you let yourself get close to people, if you try to let down your guard a little.”
