Epilogue
Ryan
“Don’t you think this is a bit much?” Christine asks me, looking at the house.
“Nope, it’s all under control.”
“He’s not five years old. He’s seventeen.”
“I wanted to do something nice for him.”
“Ryan, you don’t have to feel bad for missing all his other birthdays, you know. We didn’t even know you.”
“That’s not quite true…”
Christine looks at me, one eyebrow raised.
I take her arm and pull her in to me.
“I wish I’d known you before.”
“How would that have changed anything?”
“I wouldn’t have lost out on all this.”
“But you’re here now.”
“I know, but I wish I could’ve given you everything you never had.”
“We were fine, weirdly, even before you came along.”
“I don’t like that.”
“There’s always a ‘before’, Ryan. What’s important is now.”
“No,” I tell her, squeezing her tightly. “What’s important is tomorrow,” I say, kissing her and feeling her melt into my arms. “I can’t give you everything you never had, just like you can’t give me what they took from me. But I can give you something that’s only yours. I can give you Ryan O’Connor. That’s all I have: and it’s all for you.”
“You could give me that arse of yours,” she says, laughing, before turning serious again. “I already have everything I could ever want. Look around you, Ryan.”
I glance at Christine’s house, where my family is there to celebrate Evan’s birthday. Okay, so he’ll celebrate it properly later with his friends, but he let us do something here too, with the family.
My parents are happier than ever. My dad’s health has been good recently, although he sometimes has his moments. But Mum feels stronger now, thanks to us being around, and thanks to all the people who have come into our family: Riley, Christine, Evan…Fuck, even Martin. I don’t think I’ll ever be free of him, but I’m keeping an eye on him – sooner or later I’ll find a way to get rid of him. Make it look like an accident.
Then there’s Christine’s family. Her mother still looks at me suspiciously: she thinks I’m too young for her daughter, and that a sportsman isn’t the best decision for her. I imagine she’d have preferred a doctor. Just thinking it makes me hate Martin even more.
Okay, so I shouldn’t think about it. I mean, come on. He’s only Evan’s father, and he claims to be gay, until he proves otherwise, but I don’t quite buy it.
I could never have hoped for more than this, even if I’d been looking out for it. But maybe Jamie was right: that kid has always been wise beyond his years.
Maybe that one person really does exist, and you don’t have to look for them. Sometimes they’re just an illusion, sometimes you can reach for them but you can’t grab them. But it only takes one look, one word, one kiss and you’re fucked.
I realised I was fucked even before that kiss. But from then on, Jesus, everything was clear. It was then that I realised I’d never felt like that before, that I could’ve kissed a hundred lips or slept with a hundred women, but none of them would’ve set me alight in that same way: that jolt of electricity that she gives me, even just by holding my hand.
Christine Morgan, the woman I tried to hate from the very first moment. Because I knew that, if I didn’t hate her, I’d be in trouble. And now, I’m in way too deep.
But there’s no disaster more beautiful than this one.
“I hope I don’t get a new little brother for my birthday, because I’m seriously not ready for that,” Evan interrupts my thoughts.
