She nods, turning towards the door. She opens it and stands there, frozen, in the doorway. Then she speaks to me, just a few words: but they’re enough to make me realise that I can’t take the leap. Not even for her.
“You’re right, Ryan. I do want that. And I’m ready to risk everything to have it. I’d even risk losing you.”
I can’t do that, Christine. I could never stand losing you.
I lift my gaze and let her words pierce through me.
“I want a forever, or I don’t want anything.”
And that’s how it really ends for me and her.
In the worst way possible.
It ends with me shuffling out the door and heading down the stairs. It ends with me getting into my car and driving away, just like I always do. It ends with my trying to hold back my tears, to suppress the pain that has come back to suffocate me. It’s a different pain: more intense, more oppressive. The type of pain that won’t let you breathe, won’t loosen its grip on you.
And the pain that you inflict on other people hurts you even more: especially when they expected more from you. Then they look at you with eyes that tell you that they’ve finally realised that you’re not worth it. That you’re not the man they thought you were. That you’re not the man for her.
I’ve caused so much pain to the only person who’s capable of loving me silently, without asking too much of me. I left her in that same silence.
The person I tried with all my might not to love, who will hate me with all of hers.
