“She’ll be okay,” I say, trying to act surer than I really am.
“I know that she’s tough, but this…the café is everything to her. And now it’s…”
“We’ll sort everything out.”
“I was so scared,” he says, his eyes wide. “You don’t know what it’s like to find your mum unconscious, on the floor, in a pool of blood. I thought that she was…”
“You’ve been really brave, Evan. You were amazing.”
“I didn’t know who to call, I panicked.”
“You did the right thing.”
“I tried to call my dad, but I always just get hold of his secretary instead and…”
“Call me. For anything, okay? Always call me.”
Evan nods, and turns towards the living room.
“I think she’s fallen asleep.”
We tiptoe towards the sofa, where Christine is sleeping.
“I’ll go and get a blanket from her room,” Evan says.
“No, wait,” I stop him. “I’ll carry her upstairs. She’ll be comfier up there.”
He looks at me suspiciously.
“Don’t make that face. I’m not going to try anything.”
“You’d better not. My room is right across the hallway from hers.”
I smile. “I’ll bear that in mind.”
“You’ll take care of her then?”
“I’ll take care of her. Go and get some rest, you must be exhausted.”
Evan heads towards the stairs. I pick up the remote and turn off the TV, before turning to look at her again. I take a deep breath and lift her off the sofa, away from her chaos and her fear and drop her, unexpectedly, into my life.
I hold her close to me, hugging her against my chest. I take the stairs one at a time, and push her bedroom door open with my shoulder, laying her down on the bed. I sit down next to her and watch her sleep, letting this wave of newfound emotion lap over me, shocking me, but putting everything right. I let it shake me then calm me down all at once.
I lie down and pull her in to me. Her tiny frame fits mine perfectly, as if someone had sculpted her just for me, for this exact moment, so tender and intimate. Something I ran away from, that terrified me, but something that seems to me now like the only thing that makes sense in my life.
I breathe in the scent of her hair, and immediately I feel safe, at home. I snake my arm around her waist, never moving her away from me for fear that she’ll run away again, leave me without a roof over my head. Without a reason to go on.
I think about what I said to her, what I did. I think about her reaction, and the pain that I felt settle itself around me the moment I realised that I’d ruined everything before it could even begin. And that fear comes back, invading my body and my mind, holding me hostage.
The fear that she’ll realise that I’m not who she thinks I am, that I’m not the right man for her. That I’m still not a man. That I don’t fit in here, with them, in this house.
She could realise at any moment that Ryan O’Connor is nothing but a little boy who can’t grow up and just leave the past behind him. Someone who can’t look past the pain and see positivity, trust.
I’m damaged goods; and she’s a beautiful dream that I know will really fucking hurt. Because the best dreams are the ones that make you crumble, leaving you devastated when you’re forced to wake up.
