Christine shrugs.
“Won’t they kick us out? I don’t think we’re allowed to stay this late.”
Evan looks at me, smirking. “We have connections in this hospital.”
Of course. That arsehole.
I nod, but I’m not happy with the idea of that dickhead always hanging around.
“Well, we’ll stay then. At least until you fall asleep.”
Evan goes back to sit next to his mother and snuggles himself up next to her. I stay back, keeping my distance, feeling like I might be intruding in their intimacy – but I have no intention of leaving completely.
Christine looks at me, gesturing towards the other side of the bed.
What should I do? Should I dive right in? Squeeze myself into their lives, into their business?
Do I go in? Or do I stay outside?
My legs move of their own accord: clearly my head is taking too long to decide. I walk around the other side of the bed and sit down. I lean my back against the pillows and try to create a space for myself.
“You’re taking up the whole bed,” Evan says.
“I’m fat, can’t you see?”
“Oh, we can see,” Christine jokes – and my heart begins to beat a little faster, reminding me of just how desperately I want to hear her joke.
I reach my arm behind Christine’s head and squeeze Evan’s shoulder. Christine leans on my shoulder, Evan leans into his mum, and my arm is wrapped around both of them.
Even though there’s not much space – we’re in a single hospital bed, for fuck’s sake – and even though I’m so bulky and there’s no real reason for me to stay. Even though I don’t really have anything to do with this family, I can feel myself being drawn to them.
I let them all lean on me.
Christine only falls asleep once the sun begins to rise. Evan follows suit a few minutes later. But I stay awake, watching them, and I let myself imagine evenings on the sofa, watching films; takeaway dinners, laughter, arguments, and Sunday dinners with my parents.
My mind starts to sketch out the most beautiful and most terrifying scene I could ever have imagined.
Me, starting to become part of an ‘us’.
Them, becoming my family.
Me, having a family.
Myfamily. Only mine.
