57
Chris
His thrusts are beginning to hurt me, but nowhere near as much as his words. My body surrenders to his, but my heart doesn’t. He already knows that, and it’s ready to retreat.
Ryan pushes me against the wall, moving erratically inside me. With one hand, he holds my hip, mirroring his own movements, while the other pins my hands down – maybe out of fear that I’ll defy his wishes, that I won’t let him empty me out completely.
Because that’s how I feel, after having traced every line of his skin, after he destroyed everything with just a few words. After he used me for exactly what he wanted, leaving me with an infinite emptiness.
He pulls away suddenly, as if he’d just realised what was happening. He backs away, as my legs threaten to give way underneath me. I pull away from the wall, but keep my back to him. I don’t want to look at him.
I don’t know what I’ll see in his eyes: maybe hate, pain, conflict, regret. Or maybe I’ll see ice, just like the ice settling over the room right now.
I don’t want to know.
Our breathing fills the silence, interrupted only by the music that is still playing in the living room. Music that I can’t hear, with my ears or with my soul – because the truth is that, now, I can’t hear anything. And this has never happened to me before.
With Ryan O’Connor, I erase myself, flick the switch, stop being me.
And I don’t like it.
I hate him.
I hate how he makes me feel. I hate his hands, his mouth, the way my body moves next to his. I hate the how full I feel when he’s inside me, and I hate the pain that I feel as soon as he leaves me.
I hate that my heart is shattering right now, when all that was left was to add a full stop to this whole thing. Resolute. Definitive.
You can’t go back to the beginning. You can’t change the paragraph, find a new chapter.
You can’t write a new story.
“This ends here,” I say in one breath. “It all ends here. Whatever this was… it has to end, Ryan. Now.”
His silence proves to me that he knows I’m right.
“It’s not healthy. Not for me.”
“Christine…”
“No,” I cut him off.
I lift my head and finally turn to face him.
“I get the final say tonight. I’m doing it for both of us. We…we’re not right. We’re not meant to be together.”
“I…I don’t know what came over me…”
“I can’t let you treat me like that. I can’t let anyone treat me like that, Ryan O’Connor. And you’re no one to me now. No one can back me into a corner, push me against a wall and…take away my happiness. It isn’t worth it, especially not for someone like you. I don’t ever want to see you again, I never want to hear your name… I don’t want anything to do with a bastard like you ever again. I know you have your demons, but I’m sorry: I can’t fight them for you when you’ve already decided to shut me out, to let them eat you up. I don’t want to fight. Not for anyone else. I fight for myself every day, I can’t fight in your place. That’s why it has to end here.”
Ryan stands there, staring at me with frightened eyes. His cold, angry stare is gone – his strength is gone. He’s crumbled into his own emotions, I can see it, but I can’t do anything for him. The only person who can help him is Ryan O’Connor – but he doesn’t want to help himself.
He turns his back to me and, without a word, he opens the front door and slams it shut behind him.
I fall against the wall, dropping down to the floor.
Even though I can understand him, can see through his muscles and his anger, I can’t.
I can’t fight for something that doesn’t exist.
I can’t fight in his place.
I can’t fight against him.
It’s too late, for both of us.
It has to end. Tonight. Before it’s even begun.
