But dammit, she slept with Ryder. Does she still want him? And what about Atticus? She swears they haven’t fucked, but what if they have a thing?
Maybe that’s why I’m popping knots. I feel like a total teenager, unsure and insecure. This has never happened to me before, including when I was an actual teenager. I was always confident and never doubted myself. The football star at school, always popular with the girls. Never sick. Never defeated by my body or others.
I know, it sounds conceited. Like I’m full of shit. But I’ve always been the golden boy, fitting perfectly into society without even trying. Pretending my family’s split-up never affected me. Walking on clouds.
I’ve had an easy life. A good life. Can’t complain about anything. It’s just that now, when it comes to thinking seriously about a person… I find myself backpedaling.
My parents had fought a lot as I was growing up, before they split. I remember yelling, slamming doors, tears. They never involved me in any of it, but I was there. Crouched behind the door. Listening. Fearing. Wondering why anyone should ever commit.
Throwing an arm over my burning forehead, lying on my back in bed, I lift my phone and open a search engine.
Doomsday scrolling. I bet I’ll find out that I’m about to die, or that my dick will fall off from an incurable disease.
But nothing comes up. Looks like it’s not something commonly affecting people.
Great.
I was going to take a leap of faith, take a chance and jump over the obstacles my mind keeps putting up so I can ask her… ask her to hang out with me. Go out with me. Try this relationship thing. In case she wants it. In case she doesn’t care that I’m not ready for a pack.
For her… maybe I’d form a pack. Climb a mountain. Go on a quest and bring her a fairy crown to wear. Dammit, I’m obsessed with her. Her pink hair. Her soulful eyes. Her foul mouth. Her curves. Her fuck-it attitude. Her joy for life. Knowing she was almost kidnapped has rearranged the priorities in my brain, and the fear of losing her has jolted me so hard I don’t want her out of my sight.
I have to find a way to get rid of this knotty issue so I can be with my dream girl.
29
COCO
Behold my new culinary creation. A cultural experiment with Thai green curry paste and prawns, rice and miso. I saw a recipe somewhere and decided to put my own spin on it.
Hey, I’m a damn good cook. It smells delicious. Tastes even better. I’m tempted to pour myself a bowl and slurp it down, but Atticus is about to come home and we always have dinner together.
We have fallen into a routine, like an old married couple. Gentle, kind of tender. Simple. And chaste.
On cue, his scent reaches me and I turn around.
“Evening,” Atticus says and I smile. Standing there, hands in the pants pockets of his tailored gray suit, he’s silver all over. My silver fox.
He always enters so stealthily, I hardly ever hear him, but he’s always punctual and I’ve been expecting him.
“Come, sit.” I take my headphones off and gesture theatrically at the spot I have set up with a placemat and silverware. “I hope you like Thai food.”
“Love Thai food.”
“Then you’re in luck. I cook the best Thai food.”
“I know.” He says it calmly. Not teasing. He shrugs off his jacket, hanging it and taking his seat at the island. He dominates the space with his large shoulders, his height, his intense presence. His energy is dark, reminding me of Ryder, but the focus he gives me is all Zach.
Ryder and Zach, whom I should forget about.
Okay, not Zach. Not until I unravel the mystery of what happened the past two times. Plus, I’ve known him for a while. You don’t give up on people like that.
You should give up on people who waffle, though. People you aren’t sure whether they want to be more than friends or not, who only want you for one kiss, one night. Find mates who love you, and indeed love you the way you are. Don’t settle for less.
That’s my second rule, one I haven’t had the chance to apply yet, due to a certain lack of available alphas in my life.
“Hungry?” I ask.
“Yeah. What did you make?” Atticus asks and smiles, one of those rare, open smiles he rarely gives.
