“That’s not so bad.”
“No. And it can be pretty adorable at times.”
The soft smile that overtook her face made my heart clench. It was wistfulness of missing her man but also knowing he was wholly hers. I wanted that. It was as if I had Mason at my fingertips, but he wasn’t mine. I had to make that leap but doing so felt like I was launching myself at an unknown so terrifying it froze me to the spot. I’d promised myself a long time ago that I’d never put myself in the position to lay my heart in someone’s hands again.
“Anna?”
“Sorry, what?”
Kennedy’s brows pinched together. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Just lost in thought.” More like a downward spiral of what-ifs. No matter what direction I moved, there would be pain.
“Mason?”
My gaze jumped to hers. “What makes you say that?”
“You have this look on your face...”
I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was falling in love with Mason. If I were really honest with myself, I was already there. I just wished I could take that final step and let go. “He makes it so damn hard not to fall in love with him.”
A laugh tore out of Kennedy. “Oh, God, Anna. You sound so pissed about that.”
“I am. He just had to be kind and gentle. Yet fierce and protective, too. Sometimes it feels like he was made for me. He understands my wounds like maybe no one else would.”
Her laugh slipped away. “Would it really be so bad? To let yourself love him?”
“Yes.” The last time I thought I loved someone, they destroyed my entire life. I knew in my head that Mason wasn’t Derek—he couldn’t be further from him—but translating that to the rest of me was another story.
“At some point, you’re just going to have to throw yourself off that cliff. Either that or walk away. You can’t be half in and half out forever.”
“I know,” I whispered. An ache spread through my chest, so strong and fierce I had to run my hand along my sternum to try to relieve it. But nothing I did helped.
My phone dinged from the arm of my chair. I snatched it up, grateful for the distraction. The photo that flashed across the screen made my stomach drop. It was grainy, from an old camera phone. I was straddling Derek’s lap, a beer in one hand, and my head tipped back in laughter. It had seemed like such innocent fun at the time—getting a little tipsy at one of the parties Derek had taken me to.
That was before he’d started using. At least, from what I could tell looking back. But there was an ashtray on the table with a couple of joints inside. The message below the photo read:Mother of the year.
“Anna, what is it? What’s wrong?”
My hand shook as I handed her my phone.
Kennedy’s expression went hard. “Seriously? You had a boyfriend and drank beer at a high school party. If that disqualified someone from parenthood, we’d go extinct as a species.”
“Look at the ashtray. I know people smoked at those things, but I never did. But that won’t matter if this photo gets turned in as evidence.”
“What I want to know is how this asshole has your phone number.”
There were a million ways. Being married to someone who specialized in security, Kennedy knew that; she was just pissed at the moment and not thinking straight.
She handed me back the phone. “You need to call Mason.”
I opened my mouth to say no, that I didn’t need to worry him, that I could handle it myself. But I stopped the words from tumbling out of my mouth. I needed to take the baby steps Kennedy had talked about. Let him in, let us be more of a team.
I tapped a few icons on my screen and then put the phone to my ear. It rang and rang before Mason’s voicemail picked up. I’d never heard it before because he always answered when I called. “Hey, Mason. It’s Anna. I got another picture text. I just wanted you to know. I’ll forward it to Dante and let Keisha know.”
“Try his office line.”
“I don’t think I need to.” I was already feeling all sorts of exposed.
