Tessa
Phoenix nuzzled my side as I sketched. I knew she sensed my frayed nerves. I still wasn’t quite recovered from my paranoia-fueled meltdown from yesterday. But time with the horses helped. Phee’s comfort helped. Sketching helped.
I glanced down at my notepad. Angled cheekbones and piercing eyes stared back at me. God, he was beautiful. So very beautiful, but never to be mine. A famous musician couldn’t be with someone who jumped at every shadow, and he wouldn’t want someone who could barely keep from flinching when she was touched. Not when he could have anyone.
I ripped out the page and stuffed it into my bag. Phoenix huffed as though indignant about me destroying the image. I reached up and scratched between her ears. “It’s for the best.”
The sound of crunching gravel had me turning my head to make sure it was Jensen. Her SUV pulled to a stop next to the fence line, and she hopped out, long hair blowing in the breeze. “You finished getting them all fed?”
I shoved my sketchbook into my bag. “All done. You ready to go?” Jensen had kept to her word and was driving me to and from the ranch. My car was still in Liam’s hands, and now I had no idea if I’d ever get it back. I certainly wasn’t going to call him to ask.
Jensen ducked between two rails in the fence. “Let’s hang with the herd for a bit. Unless you’re in a hurry to get back?”
I shook my head. I could use some extra time with them today.
Jensen climbed up onto the boulder I was sitting on, settling next to me. She pulled a carrot out of her fleece’s pocket and extended it to Phoenix. The mare sniffed the object and then hesitantly took it from Jensen’s palm. “She’s still unsure around me.”
I patted Phoenix’s neck as she chomped down on the treat. “She’ll get there. Just give her time.”
Jensen took in the grazing horses. “I’ll give her all the time in the world.”
We sat in silence for a long while, watching the horses against the backdrop of the sun lowering in the sky. A wave of gratitude swept over me. I might not be able to have Liam, but I had so much: this beautiful place, these amazing creatures, a friend who would sit with me and simply be. That could be enough.
Jensen bumped my shoulder with her own. “So…” She let the word dangle, and my body tensed. “Want to tell me what happened yesterday?”
I fidgeted with the strings on my hoodie. “Not particularly.”
Jensen let out a chuckle. “Why don’t you tell me anyway?”
I snuck a peek at Jensen. This was the first time she’d ever pushed when I dodged a question. Heat filled my chest, a yearning to tell her everything. I was so tired of carrying this weight alone, of acting like a freak and having everyone in my life wonder why.
My heart rate sped up, and my hands began to tingle.Could I tell her?The last thing I wanted was to put Jensen at risk. And she would be if Garrett found out that she knew the details of what had happened. Knew she had helped me. He would do everything in his power to ruin her, hurt her. Gena’s face flashed in my mind. But maybe I could tell Jensen just enough. Broad strokes, not fine details of who I’d been involved with. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so damn alone.
Pain rippled through me, exhaustion hot on its heels. I needed to let someone in.
I took a deep breath. “I was in an abusive relationship.” It felt weird to say the words out loud. I never had before. It had taken months after running away from DC to finally name what I had been through. But there was a power in the naming. A power in declaring the treatment I endured as wrong. Evil. Twisted.
There was a stigma around the wordvictim. Something that said you were powerless or had given up. I was a victim, but I was also a fighter. I had clawed my way to freedom. And I would let nothing and no one put that freedom at risk—not even my own heart.
I jolted when a hand took mine. Jensen. She said nothing, simply held my hand, giving me the silent support to continue.
My body shuddered slightly. “We met when I was in college. He was finishing up law school. I’d never had what he gave me. The idea of belonging to someone when I’d grown up with no one. Foster families that had too many kids. School classrooms that were overcrowded. I never felt like anyone truly saw me.”
I rubbed the fingertips of my free hand over the rough surface of the rock, letting it ground me. “He noticed me. It felt like this miracle, a precious gift I would do anything to keep hold of. But really, it was a drug. I was forever chasing the high of the first few months while running away from the lows. It didn’t matter that my body was crushed by the addiction, that my soul was slowly dying. Ineededthat next fix. That one hit of feeling like the most important thing to someone.”
I fought against the shame that wanted to overtake me, the degradation of the truth. That I had made the choice to stay for so long. I swallowed it down. “I always thought of myself as a strong person. A strong woman. That I would never put up with that kind of treatment. I worked hard. Stayed focused. Graduated high school with honors and a full ride to a good state school.”
The girl I used to be, so proud and self-assured filled my mind. “It happened slowly and in a flash at the same time. I didn’t realize he was changing me at first. Subtle suggestions about what to wear, who I was hanging out with. Asking me to cancel plans with my friends because heneededme.”
Images flew through my brain, so many memories of times where I should’ve seen the signs. “I’d never been needed like that before. So, of course, I agreed. He helped me with school work, paid for things he knew I couldn’t afford, wrote me long, romantic letters. I thought it was love. It was really a narcissist’s master manipulation.”
I fisted the side of my sweatshirt. “The first time he hit me, I left. He showed up at my dorm room hours later, sobbing. Begging to be let in. He would never forgive himself for hurting me. He’d live the rest of his days trying to make it up to me.”
I let out a harsh breath. “I took him back.” A lethal mixture of shame, guilt, and self-hatred swirled in my belly. “It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. It started a vicious cycle. I was the greatest thing in the world for a few days, and then I was lower than the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.”
My voice began to shake as I pressed on. “His paranoia grew. The beatings got worse. When I graduated, he proposed. I said yes, hoping like a fool that it would change things, give us both a sense of security.”
Jensen gripped my hand a little tighter as if sensing that I needed it. I held on. “He didn’t want me to get a job. He needed me at home to take care of him. He got me a driver. I was never out of the line of sight of someone who reported back to him.”
