I smiled widely, showing my missing front tooth. “But it’ll be worth it.”
“It just might,” she said, tapping my nose and leaving a trail of flour in her wake that tickled my sinuses.
Sarah’s voice dragged me back into the present moment. “Taylor, are you all right?”
I could feel the lack of blood in my head and knew I needed air. “Yeah,” I croaked. “I just need some fresh air for a minute.” Sarah initially looked like she might go with me, but I held up a hand. “I’ll be right back.”
She nodded hesitantly, and I rushed out the back door. I made a beeline for the pool, toeing off my sandals and submerging my feet in the cool water as I sat. My heart clenched in a rhythm of quick spasms that wouldn’t let up, and tears leaked from my eyes. I didn’t lift a hand to brush them away.
The pain was so real, dug in so deeply, I knew I would never be able to get it out. I battled with the thought of whether I ever wanted it to. Because digging out that pain would mean forgetting my mom. I would deal with this soul-crushing, panic-inducing pain every day for the rest of my life if it meant keeping her fresh in my mind.
I gripped the edge of the pool harder, trying to get my heartbeat under control. Willing it to relax. I jolted as someone sat down next to me. It took me a moment to recognize Walker through my blurry vision.
I quickly wiped at my face to rid it of tears. It was useless because they just kept coming. It wasn’t the kind of crying where you sobbed and heaved. It was the silent kind. The kind where you just had so many emotions inside of you, they had to leak out somewhere.
Walker wrapped an arm around me. I tried to escape it, but he only held me more firmly to him. “Don’t. You’re going to let me be here for you right now.”
The tears and heart pangs kept right on coming. Walker squeezed my arm. “Let it out. You have to stop holding it all in.”
I let the tears flow heavier then, allowed my heart to beat unchecked. Walker kept his arm around me through it all. Finally, the tears waned, my breaths slowed, and I came back to myself. “I’m so sorry—” I started to say, cheeks flushing.
“Don’t you dare apologize.” His voice cracked like a whip. I slammed my lips together. “You don’t have to apologize for feeling deeply. You lost someone who meant the world to you.”
I blinked up at him. “You know?”
“It wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure it out, but Austin told me.”
I gritted my teeth. “He shouldn’t have. That wasn’t his information to share.”
“Taylor. I spent all of two hours with your friends, but it only took fifteen minutes for me to see how much they love you.” I let out a slow breath, knowing he was right. “And they’re worried about you.”
“I know they are.” I stared at the rippling water, watching it shimmer in the sunlight. “Does your family know?”
Walker gave my arm another squeeze. “Just my grandma. But I can tell the others if you want…so you don’t have to.”
“Might be a good idea. So your mom doesn’t think I’m a crazy person.”
Another squeeze. “She doesn’t. She’s worried about you, too.”
I grimaced. “I’ll have to apologize for freaking out on her.”
“I told you, you don’t have to apologize. What happened?”
I let out a shuddered breath. “I–I just–Sarah was baking…and something reminded me of my mom.”
He pulled me tighter against him, and a rush of warmth filled me. I felt safe. For the first time in a long time, I felt protected from all the overwhelming feelings. And that terrified me. “Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.
I stiffened beside him. “I don’t like to talk about her.”
He tipped my face up so our eyes met. “Remember her. Sharing her with others might help you heal. Tell me a memory you have that makes you ridiculously happy.”
I put up a mental wall to the onslaught of images that wanted to fill my mind. I shook my head. “Even the happy memories…they break my heart.”
“Still gotta let yourself experience them. Then, maybe one day, you won’t cry because of what you’ve lost, you’ll smile because of what you had.”
His words landed with a thud in my gut. “That might be true, but I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about her yet.”
“Well, whenever you are, I’ll be here to listen.”
