I straightened and tipped my face up to the sky. The stars were so bright here. I’d never seen anything like it. No ambient city lights to dull their shine. “Mom, are you up there?” I mouthed the words to the silent breeze as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. What I wanted more than anything was a promise that I would be reunited with her one day. In Heaven, in the stars, anywhere I could feel her presence.
The pastor at my mom’s memorial service had promised that she was in a better place. But how did he know for sure? I prayed to God and the Universe for a sign constantly. Anything that would let me know she was at peace. That I would see her again. I never got a damn thing, and I was looking.
I blew out a long breath and settled myself in one of the rocking chairs on the porch. The sounds of a bubbling creek nearby, crickets chirping, and the blades of the rocker hitting the boards of the deck were my only companions. It was kind of perfect. It was quiet, without the deafening silence of my nightmares.
Sleep wouldn’t find me anytime soon, though. No matter how hard I tried, rest always refused to come after one of those dreams. It was a nightly battle I won, only if I had exhausted my body the day before. I needed to be so tired that I fell into sleep so deep, the nightmares couldn’t find me. It was so very ironic. I used to hate working out with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but now, it was my salvation.
Soft footfalls sounded against the wood-planked floor. I fought the frustration that rose at my solitude being interrupted. I wiped my face to erase any stray tears and attempted to blank my expression. I wanted no pitying looks or careful tones.
The problem was, I didn’t knowwhatI wanted. Or needed. All I knew was that I wanted to crawl out of my skin when people looked at me like I was going to crumble at any moment. Maybe because I was afraid Iwouldcrumble. That I would break apart into a million pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.
Carter appeared at my side. She looked a mess. Rumpled PJs, blurry eyes, and the hair piled on top of her head resembled a rat’s nest. I was fairly certain it had gotten into that state thanks to her husband’s ravaging. Austin loved my best friend with a ferocity that made my heart ache.
Carter slid into the chair next to mine. “Couldn’t sleep?”
I let a single shoulder rise and fall. “Sleeping’s not really my strong suit these days. Did I wake you?”
Carter gave me a sympathetic smile. The same one she’d been giving me for months. An expression that made me want to throttle her. And I loved this girl to the depths of my soul. “You didn’t really wake me. Since having Ethan, I feel like I never fully descend into sleep. I’m always half listening for sounds of baby distress.”
I inwardly cringed at my earlier frustration. My best friend had left her child at home for the first time since having him because she was worried about me. Because she wanted to take me away from any place that held memories of my mom. Needed to do something to help ease my pain.
“How is the little monster?” I asked.
A happier smile came to her face. “He’s great. I talked to my mom before bed, and it sounded like he’s enjoying being spoiled rotten by his grandparents.”
A small grin spread across my lips. “Ethan’s lucky to have them.”
Carter froze. “I didn’t mean to bring up—"
I cut her off, waving a hand in front of my face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that he has amazing grandparents.” Would every conversation from now on be a careful traverse of a minefield?
I took another deep breath, letting the smell of the surrounding pine trees calm me. “I really love it here.”
Carter’s eyes scanned the fields that turned into vast forest. “I’m so glad. I do, too. There’s something really special about it.”
I smiled to myself. “There’s a peacefulness I’ve never experienced before. Something about the sound of the water and the smell of the air. I feel like I can breathe here.”
Carter chuckled. “Well, compared to home, the air is just a little fresher.”
Carter and I had met in Los Angeles as teachers working in the Teach For Our Youth program. We had bonded quickly, and soon became roommates. But when my mom got sick, I’d had to return to Texas to take care of her. And I never made it back to LA. It just wasn’t home anymore.
An idea flickered in my mind. It was crazy, but maybe that was exactly what I needed.
* * *
The smellsof bacon frying and freshly baking biscuits tickled my nose as I took in Carter at the stove. “Can I do anything?” I asked.
Carter bit the corner of her lip. “Ummm, why don’t you help Liam set the table.”
“Sure thing.”
I headed into the dining room to find Liam with a stack of dishes and cutlery. “Here, let me help,” I said, reaching for the pile of forks and knives.
“She wouldn’t let you touch anything that was cooking, would she?” Liam said with a chuckle.
“Oh, shut up. So, cooking isn’t my strong suit.” That was the world’s biggest understatement. My mom used to swear I could burn water. No matter how often she tried to school me in her culinary ways, I was a hopeless student. A pang hit my sternum. She would never have the chance to remedy that, to see me finally master her famous mashed potatoes or decadent lemon meringue pie.
These types of twinges came often, brought on by something different each time and taking me by surprise more often than not. It always felt like my heart was being squeezed by an unrelenting fist. The constriction would tug on all the surrounding strands of connective tissue, sending zaps of pain throughout my body until I finally pushed the memory from my mind.
