“Yeah, but…why?” No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. “You could’ve just brought over some whiskey and insisted I fuck you. Why go through all this trouble?”
His face lights up with a smirk. “I mean, Icoulddo that,” he purrs. “If you want.”
I shake my head, feeling flustered. “No, that’s not what I’m sayin’.”
Shrugging lazily, he runs his fingers through his hair. “To be honest, sex didn’t feel like the answer,” he admits softly. “I don’t know what the answer is, exactly, but sex sure as hell didn’t feel right. Just wanted to…I don’t know...be here for you, in case you want it, and bring you somethin’ that I know brings you joy. And I figured, why not let you in on things I do when I’ve had a day from hell.” Another shrug. “It’s no big deal.”
Except that it is.
I don’t know what to say, so instead, I remain quiet. Once the popcorn is finished in the microwave, Hollis pours it into a bowl he found in the cupboard before swiping the Rosé off the counter on his way back into the living room. He sets the bowl on the floor between us before tossing some in his mouth. After I finish what’s left in my glass, I refill it before we starton the puzzle. It’s of a lake, and there’s a porch swing off to the side, so I know he picked it out specifically for me. No matter how many times I try, I can’t seem to unclog the emotion filling my throat.
Before matching with Hollis on the app—and hell, even when we first started talking on there—I would’ve never been able to picture him doing something like this. He says it’s not a big deal, and maybe, to him, it really isn’t, but it is to me. All of this is overwhelming because it shows me that Hollis didn’t just listen to things I shared with him, but heheardthem. I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I’ve felt heard. And not only that, but here he is, putting this puzzle together with me. I spent countless years with a man who could never take an interest in things I enjoyed. There’s no fucking way Trent would’ve ever sat down and worked on this with me.
And yeah, what Hollis and I have is nowhere near as serious as what I had with Trent, but that doesn’t negate the fact that this is easily one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. Hell, I didn’t even tell Hollis about the court hearing because I assumed he wouldn’t care, or that it would be awkward for him, and yet, he still showed up, wanting to be here for me. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t love seeing this softer side of him. That I don’t feel something at the effort he put in… That I don’t feel something forhim. Something deeper and way more intricate than I should.
Hollis and I work together on the border for a while, talking here or there about simple things, but mostly, we’re quiet while we piece it together. It isn’t uncomfortable, and there’s no urge to fill it. It’s relaxing, and his presence calms my nerves and brings me comfort. A month ago, that thought would’ve surprised me, but it doesn’t now. Whether I like it or not, I’ve become used to having Hollis around. In fact, I lookforward to it. I crave it. We finish off the popcorn pretty quickly and make our way through the rest of the Rosé, but once we do, he grabs another bottle that he must’ve stashed in the fridge when I was in my room.
“How are you feelin’ about everythin’?” he asks, his gaze focused on the piece in his hand and finding its proper place in the puzzle.
“Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I don’t have this hangin’ over my head.”
“Were y’all civil with each other?”
“Yeah.” I nod, my chest squeezing. “We didn’t communicate very much since everything went through our lawyers, but this is something we both wanted and knew needed to happen. The only thing that could’ve made this process tense, or difficult, would’ve been the house, but since I said he could have it from the beginning, there was nothin’ for us to fight over, really.”
“Are you happy?” Hollis turns his head, dark eyes finding mine. “Knowin’ it’s over, and you have no more ties to the man who reminded you of your father?”
My breath gets caught in my throat, and there’s a pounding in my ears that’s deafening. Aside from my therapist, Hollis is still the only person I’ve shared that with, and he remembered… Heheardme. My chest is cracked wide open, like my deepest wound is on display for him to see, to pick apart. In the back of my mind, I know I should want to hide, I should want to change the subject, talk about anything other than this deep-seated trauma, but Idon’tdo any of that because I feel safe with him. Little by little since we started seeing each other, and without me even realizing it, Hollis has become a safe space. I don’t know what it is, and I may never understand it, but he brings me a sense of ease,and warm comfort, and it’s been that way since the very beginning.
“I don’t thinkhappyis the right word,” I say. “It’s bittersweet, sayin’ goodbye to such a notable chapter, and I didn’t anticipate all the feelings swirlin’ around inside of me.”
His eyes are soft as they take me in. “What kind of feelings?”
I swallow thickly, shifting my gaze away from him. “The sadness took me by surprise the most,” I murmur. “And not even because I wanted to make it work, or wish things could’ve been different. Just…sadness. I didn’t expect to feel as though a part of my story died today, like I lost a piece of me. I’ve already cried all the tears before today. I’ve already grieved the loss of the husband and the marriage I thought would last a lifetime, already cycled through the five stages, accepted that my future doesn’t look the way I had planned… And I was okay with that—Iamokay with that—morethan okay, actually, because while I will probably always care for Trent, and have love for him, and cherish the good moments we shared, I’m no longerin lovewith him.”
My eyes sting, and my throat aches. It feels good saying all of that out loud, getting it off my chest, like I’m letting it go.
“I think that makes total sense,” Hollis offers. “You’re allowed to be relieved that something is over while still feeling sad about it.” Hollis turns, the shift causing his leg to press against mine. The small touch is somehow exactly what I need. “That doesn’t mean you made a mistake by leaving, or that you should’ve stayed in a marriage that brought you pain and misery. It just means that you cared. It’s okay to grieve something that no longer serves you, Cap. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.”
I bite down on my molars hard enough I feel them pop as Idrag in a sharp breath through my nose, willing the pressure to fade from behind my eyes. “For someone who hardly has any experience with relationships, you’re weirdly insightful about them,” I murmur, trying to keep my tone light.
Hollis chuckles, the sound washing over me and calming the heavy beating of my heart. “Yeah, well, I watched my mom and dad’s marriage come to an end. Watched how hard it hit both of them despite knowin’ they had no business bein’ married.”
Turning my head, my brows pinch. “Why do you say that?”
“Neither of them will probably ever admit to this, but they got married simply because it was expected of them. Don’t get me wrong, my parents love each other, and they would do anything for one another, but their marriage was never about burning passion and true love. It was to appease their parents and do what they were told was the right thing.” Hollis clears his throat before adding, “What my mom and dad had was safety and a deep understanding of each other.”
Shaking my head, I huff out a breath. “You just somehow said so much while sayin’ absolutely nothin’ at all.”
The lines around his eyes crease as he chuckles. “My mom moved to Austin when they got a divorce,” he says. “She’s lived with a woman named Kelly Ann the entire time she’s been there. I’m fairly certain Kelly Ann isn’t just her roommate.”
Suddenly, everything Hollis previously said makes total sense. “Have you asked her?”
“My brother and I have both asked throughout the years who Kelly Ann was to her, but her story has always been that she’s her close friend.”
“Why hide it, though? You and Finn are both bisexual. She has to know you’d be accepting.”
A thoughtful look passes through his eyes that makes my heart squeeze. “Her house growin’ up wasn’t as acceptin’ as mine was,” he says. “And my great-grandfather on my dad’s side was a mean ol’ southern man withverytraditional values. I think it’s ingrained in both of them to protect themselves, but I do hope one day they’re able to free themselves from the shackles of shame and live their truth out loud the way they allowed my brother and I to do.”
