Rolling her eyes once again, she says, “Whatever, Ash. This is stupid. Did you end things with him or not?”
I scoff, face twisting up. “No.”
“Why. Not?”
“Because I’m not going to!” My pulse is wild, the vein in the side of my neck throbbing. Hands clenching and unclenching at my sides, I try to focus on my breathing so I can calm down. Nothing good is going to come from this if we continue to scream at each other. “Violet, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have feelings for him. I care about Finn a lot, and I’m not willing to walk away from that. Not when this is the first time I’ve felt like this.”
Her jaw flexes as she bites down on her molars, lips pressed into a thin, tight line. “He’s your fucking boss, Ash. My relationship with him aside, since clearly that’s?—”
“You don’t have a relationship with him,” I cut her off through gritted teeth.
Her eyes flash with annoyance. “As I was saying,” she snaps. “Taking me out of the picture, since clearly you don’t give a damn about my feelings, he’s still your boss. You can’t honestly think it’s okay to sleep with your boss. Surely, you can’t be that desperate for attention.”
“You know what? Fuck you, Violet.”
Her lips part as her eyebrows slide up her forehead, but I don’t stop there.
“Fuck you for being so goddamn self-centered that you can never see what’s right in front of your face. Fuck you for being so blase about outing somebody before they were ready. And mostly fuck you for implying that I’m desperate for attention. You’ve got no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”
“Would you fucking shut up about me outing Finn!” she barks. “Like, we fucking get it! Nothing even happened, so drop it!”
“You’re a horrible human being if you truly don’t see the issue.”
Fingers raking through her hair, she groans. “Ash, be so for real right now. You are sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, and you have the nerve to callmea horrible person? Why don’t you take a look in the fucking mirror.”
“Oh, my fuck,” I mutter, pinching the bridge of my nose.She’s quite literally not hearing anything I’m saying.“You know, now I’m seeing why I kept my feelings from you for so long.This.The way you deflect everything.”
Brows pinched, Violet pops her hip out and crosses her arms. “What are you talking about? What feelings have you kept from me?”
I blow out a frustrated sigh. “Forget it. It’s not like you’d listen anyway.”
“No, Ash,” she barks. “You already kept this little fucking…tryst, or whatever the hell is going on with you and Finn, from me. You’re saying there’s other stuff you’ve kept from me too? That’s great, Ash. Real fucking great. May as well come clean. We’re already here.”
For a long moment, I consider not saying anything. Consider walking out and going home, because I already know anything I say won’t touch her. But then I remember how heavy this has been, weighing on my chest, and whether she knew how I felt, I still don’t deserve to carry it around forever. I came here to lay it all out for her, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Even if it changes nothing.
My heart is pounding, stomach in knots as I exhale all the air from my lungs before they inflate all over again. I can do this.Not knowing what else to do, I sit back down, elbows propped on my knees. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me growing up?” I ask. “Do you have any idea how many guys I liked who went after you instead? Or how hard it was to watch you prance around with them, over and over and over again?”
“What the hell are you talking about? What guys?”
“Violet, I could name off several. It was like every time I got close to a guy and started to have a crush on him, he would suddenly go after you, and you ate up the attention every time.”
“What guys! Give me fucking examples, Ash, because I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I heave a sigh, regretting saying anything at all. Holding up my hand, I count on my fingers as I say, “There was Ethan, the guy who lived down two blocks up from us. I hung out with him every day the summer he moved in, then you dated him. Then there was Mike and Jazz during our sophomore year. And can’t forget Sam. I know you remember Sam.”
She rolls her eyes. “You never told me you liked any of those guys,” she mutters. “How the hell was I supposed to know? DidI need to run every potential boyfriend by you to make sure you didn’t already have dibs on him? That’s ridiculous, Ash, and you know it.”
“You know, I said the same thing for so many years. I didn’t tell you, so how would you know? And I believe you, that you didn’t know about the majority of them, but the longer I’ve sat with this, the more I believe there’s no way you didn’t know I had feelings for Sam. Even if I never outright told you, there’s no way you didn’t see it. He was all I talked about, every free moment I had was spent with him.”
Violet watches me for a moment, jaw tight, saying nothing. The air around us is tense, the silence deafening. I’m positive she can hear how hard my heart is pounding; it feels like it’s about to break through my ribs. Then her eyes narrow, and I know whatever she’s about to say isn’t going to be good.
“So, what? You fucked my boyfriend as payback for something you never told me about? Is that what this is? Your pathetic attempt at getting me back?”
“He’s not your fucking boyfriend, Violet!Oh my gosh, talking with a brick wall would be more productive than talking to you. Jesus Christ!” Fisting the hair atop my head, I tug on the strands, any remaining patience I had withering away. “And no, me dating Finn is not payback. What the fuck? In fact, my relationship with Finn has nothing to do with you.”
“Then why’d you do it?” she snaps. “Why him?”
