Ash flicks his gaze over to me, brows bunching. “That’s it? Do you want more help? I don’t know much about fixing barns, but I can help in any way that I can.”
I take a pull from my beer. “You can help by hanging out with Tucker. Is that okay?”
“Of course, it is.”
“You sure?” Cocking an eyebrow, I add, “I know it’s the weekend. If you have something goin’ on or would rather not work on?—”
“Let me stop you right there,” Ash cuts in. “Yes, watching Tucker istechnicallymy job, but it never feels like work. I love that little dude, and I love hanging out with him. I’d be happy to.”
Shit.His words flood my system with an unexpected rush of emotion that clogs my throat. I don’t know what to say back, so I simply nod instead before getting back to the food on my plate. It’s startling how strongly these feelings for Ash have come on. It’s been steadily building for a while, I think, but ever since that night in his room when we first touched each other, it’s been like a tsunami of realizations, and I don’t know how to handle them.
This is so brand new to me. Not only because he’s a man, but because he’s making me want things I haven’t wanted in a long while. Since my divorce from Tucker’s mom, I’ve made it a point to not get attached, to not develop deep feelings. But everything about Ash has me wanting more. And it feels like it’s happening so fast. Hell, I haven’t even told my dad or Hollis yet because of everything that’s happened this week alone. And also, maybe alittle bit because I’m nervous. Not because I think either of them would react badly, but because it’s just…big news. Another thing that’s been weighing heavy on my mind is the fact that I don’t know where Ash’s head’s at. I know he’s into and enjoyed what we’ve been doing, but is this just something fun that feels good? Or does he, like me, have growing feelings?
I guess we’ll find out after dinner, because I need to know before we take things physical again. Need to know if we’re on the same page, or even the same chapter, before I end up getting my heart broken.
Chapter 30
Ash
“Want another one?” Finn asks, rising from the chair beside me.
Guzzling down the last little bit of beer inside, I nod, handing him the now empty bottle. “Please.”
We finished eating a while ago, then we cleaned the kitchen together. I’m trying to ignore how swoony it made me feel to do something as simple as cleaning up the dinner mess with him. Something we do together most nights, but whereas before, it was filled with tension, it now feels easy and sweet. Cutesy and coupley. My insides have been full of butterflies since the minute he walked into the kitchen earlier, seemingly unable to keep his eyes off me. The attention from a man like Finn Moore feels good. Maybe a little too good.
Finn comes back outside, handing me a freshly opened bottle of beer before he sits down beside me again. At some point after dinner, Bubba came around the front of the house and has been sleeping on the porch in front of us ever since we came back out here. He and Tuck ran through the sprinkler this afternoon forover an hour, then he came with us when Tucker rode his bike up and down the trail after that. It’s no wonder he’s tuckered out; I would be too.
I turn my head, my stomach dipping when I find Finn already watching me. Bringing the bottle up to my lips, I take a long pull, never taking my eyes off him. Somehow, the air is always electric charged around us, like there’s this never-ending supply of sexual tension. It makes my palms sweat and my heart race. Being around Finn makes me nervous, but I’m not sure why. We’ve already had sex, which one would think that would be what would make me nervous, but it’s clearly not that.
If I were to be honest with myself, I’d probably admit the nervousness comes from the way he makes me feel, and not physically. But the big, insistent reminder never fails to assault my mind whenever I let myself indulge in the feelings, telling me that there’s no way this could work long term. Not only is he my boss and I very much need this job, but he’s also still my sister’s ex-boyfriend, and if she found out, she would be crushed.
The self-deprecating part of my brain speaks into my ear like an incessant whisper that all of those reasons should’ve been a bigger deal in my mindbeforeclimbing into bed with him, but then the part of me that’s always harbored a low-grade level of resentment toward my sister for something that, truly, was never her fault is saying that I deserve this. I deserve to get the guy this time. It’s never been me. I’ve never been the one chosen.
I know how she feels and did it anyway. And enjoyed it.God, do I fucking enjoy being with Finn. Easily the best sex of my life. If he was trash in bed, it would make it a hell of a lot easier to do the “right” thing. Or if he freaked out afterward and was shitty to me about it, even that would make it easier to walk away.
“What’s got ya lookin’ so grim?” Finn asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to brush him off and say nothing, but something tells me not to. Maybe it’s in the way he’s looking at me, with concern etched in his features, or maybe it’s the three beers I’ve consumed since dinner. Either way, I blow out a deep breath and tell Finn something I’ve never admitted out loud.
Gaze dropping to my lap where my thumb picks at the label on the bottle, I say, “I struggled a lot in high school. Being gay in the south can be…interesting, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve come a long way as a society, but there’s still a lot of stigma attached to being out and proud.”
Glancing up, I’m met with deep green orbs full of worry. His brows are set in a harsh line and his jaw is tight, but he’s giving me his full attention. So, even though my heart is a chaotic drum in my chest, I keep going. I don’t know why admitting this feels so raw and vulnerable.
“I was never picked on or anything like that, but dating was difficult. Guys who caught my eye were either so far in the closet they didn’t even know they were in it yet or they were straight…and into my twin sister.” Taking a pull off my beer, I avert my gaze again. “There were a few instances when a guy I had a crush on ended up dating Violet, but there’s one particular time that hurt the most. During our senior year, there was this kid in my homeroom class named Sam, who I became pretty close with. We would study together all the time, listen to music and go to shows together, and I thought he was into me.
“Turns out, he actually wanted to get closer to my sister.” I huff out a dry laugh. “They dated for most of that school year. After, I knew I couldn’t keep going on like that. I was constantly angry with my sister, and the resentment grew like an ugly storm cloud. I needed a change.”
Finn’s quiet for a moment, then, “That’s why you went to college in Oregon.”
It’s not a question, but a statement. I nod, my throat uncomfortably tight.
“Does she know how you feel?”
“No.”
“Why haven’t you ever told her?” There’s not a single ounce of judgement in his tone.
“I never wanted her to feel bad,” I explain. “It’s not that I necessarily think she knew I liked these guys, so what good would come from me telling her, other than her feeling like shit about it?”
