All rational thinking went out the window that night, from the minute I opened that box and realized what was inside. It was as if I had no control over my body. My limbs acted of their own accord as they carried me off my bed and to his door. Then again, when they walked me right into his bedroom.
I can remember the look on his face when his gaze met mine. It was part smug, part aroused. I nearly swallowed my own tongue as I took him in, sprawled out on the bed, completely naked. One hand jacking himself off, the other sliding that goddamn dildo into his ass. The sight of him, and knowing I shouldn’t be seeing him like that, hit me viscerally. I was already hard before I came into the room, from having to hear his moans, but seeing it was a whole different thing.
It made itreal.
It made it impossible for me to continue to deny how I’ve been feeling because seeing Ash—a man—naked and sprawled out, fucking himself with a sex toy while masturbating, didn’t disgust me or make me want to turn away. It couldn’t have been more the opposite, actually. An urge I’ve never felt before overtook me, a need to go over there and do…something, gripped me like a vise. I knew without a shadow of a doubt if I got too close, I would touch him. It’s why I stayed by the door; it’s why I kept my arms folded.
Until I let them drop.
Until he begged me to touch myself.
The lust in his tone was thick like honey, his words a siren song that was impossible to ignore. And god, I’ve never wanted anything more than I wanted to make myself come to the sight of Ash pleasuring himself. Something carnal took over my body, something I didn’t recognize, and suddenly, doing exactly as he was begging me was all I could think about. I had a one-track mind for Ash and the way he was making me feel.
I’ve never been so out of control, and normally, that would agitate me. Normally, it wouldn’t have been okay. But I can’t deny how fucking good it felt giving in to the desire, no matter how much it confuses me, and I don’t just mean physically. It felt like a weight off my chest, like a breath of fresh air, letting myself do what I secretly wanted to do.
That night has frustrated me and made me come late at night in my bed more times than I can count over the last two weeks, and I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t continue doing nothing any longer.
Ash is invading my mind, throwing off my nervous system, and I need to explore it. I need to figure out what this means. Otherwise, I’m certain I’m going to drive myself insane.
Knowing all of this, I’m still not prepared as I park in front of my house. I’m no more ready to go inside and face him.
But I have to.
Chapter 20
Finn
It’s not even nine by the time I walk into the house, but Ash is nowhere to be found, which means he’s probably already in bed. A sense of disappointment washes over me at that realization, but I can’t say I’m surprised. With how we left things when I walked out the door earlier, I wouldn’t want to see me either.
After I check on Tucker and make sure the house is locked up, I head into my room, where I change into pajamas and brush my teeth, getting ready for bed. The morning will come way too soon, and even though it’s Sunday, I have a whole laundry list of chores and errands I need to get done. Maybe Ash has got it right, and an early night is for the best.
As I plug my phone into the charger and set it on the nightstand, I feel this inexplainable pull toward Ash’s room, but I don’t know why. He’s probably sleeping, so I couldn’t talk to him anyway. Plus, he likely doesn’t even want to talk to me, so going in there would be pointless. Despite knowing that, I can’t seem to shake the urge. It’s prickling at the back of my neck andgnawing at the front of my mind. It’s a restlessness that has me staring at my bed, and then the door.
I shouldn’t.
Maybe just a peek. For all I know, he’s awake and watching a show on his phone or something. If he’s awake, I can tell him I broke up with Violet. We can talk. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I have to say something. I can’t continue to ignore the giant elephant in the room; it’s becoming suffocating. Not to mention, outside of whatever is happening between us, he’s still my son’s nanny. There can’t be unresolved tension between us; it’s not fair to Tucker.
So, we’ll…talk, I guess.
Feet shuffling across the carpeted floor, I quietly tug my door open and step into the hall. Ash’s door is right beside mine, which is convenient. I don’t have to worry about the hallway creaking and possibly waking up Tucker. He’s not typically a light sleeper, and his room is a ways down the hall, but still, I can’t be too careful.
Standing in front of his door, my heart in my throat, I’m reminded of the night two weeks ago when I stood in this exact same spot, with the same feeling clutching at my chest. It’s anticipation mixed with something much different. It’s jittery, like apprehension. I’m walking into the unknown with Ash, and I don’t do well with that. Being in control is preferred, and nothing about the feelings swirling inside of me leaves me with any semblance of control.
I drag in a deep breath, searching for even an ounce of confidence as I blow it out and turn the handle, opening the door to my nanny’s bedroom. The only light inside comes from the sliver of moonlight spilling in from where the curtains aren’t fully drawn. It illuminates his sleeping form almost perfectly, and as I shut the door behind me and pad across the floor toward his bed, I find myself mesmerized by him.
Now that I’m actively trying to be more honest with myself, I can finally admit how beautiful Ash is. Not in the same way I would describe Violet to be beautiful, or Tucker’s mom. He’s not feminine, not really, but he’s a different kind of beauty. Lying on his back, the covers are pulled up just past his waist, his chest bare. The silver bars decorating his nipples glint under the moonlight as his chest rises and falls with steady, even breaths. One hand rests on his stomach while the other is beside him on the bed, and his head is turned toward me. Sharp lines make up his slightly stubbly jaw and high cheeks that his thick, dark lashes are fanning, and his full, pink lips are parted.
He looks so peaceful.
I should leave. We can talk tomorrow.
But for some reason, my feet remain rooted in place. Something I can’t make sense of has me not wanting to leave, even knowing we can’t talk. There’s a part of me that wants to crawl in beside him and lay with him. Exist with him, without any of the confusion and the tension. Without expectation or questions that I don’t have the answer to.
I want to justbewith Ash right now, and I can’t explain it. It’s not a feeling I’ve experienced before, except for with Tucker, but that’s different.Thateasily makes sense to me; he’s my son. Ash is… Hell, I don’t even know what he is anymore. My nanny, yes. My ex-girlfriend’s brother, of course. But all of the sudden, he feels like so much more.
He’s the person occupying more of my mind than I care to admit. The one who’s confusing me the most. The one making me question everything I thought I knew about myself. He makes me nervous, and I don’t do nervous. I’ve been around huge, angry, charging bulls my entire life, been stepped on by a thousand-pound heifer, been bucked off the back of a horse during a thunderstorm. Nothing really makes me nervous, but he does, and it’s as thrilling as it is nerve-wracking.
