It's the worry about my daughter that riddles my mind incessantly, though. I can’t turn it off. And sure, it’s been like this since she was born, but it’s amplified as of late. Am I doing the right thing for her? Am I being a good enough father to her? A good enough role model? Is she going to grow up and resent me for the life I’ve given her?
And then there’s Jade… Did we try hard enough to make our marriage work? Am I letting her down? Is she going to end up resenting me? Are we going to be the type of parents who can’t keep it together long enough to co-parent our child respectfully and peacefully? And what type of life will Suzy have with us being divorced and living in separate homes? Willsheresent me for that?
During the day, especially on the road when I stay plenty busy, I’m able to, for the most part, keep these thoughts at bay. But the guilt is overwhelming and suffocating as soon as I relax into bed. I can’t run from my thoughts. From my stress. Especially coming from a family where divorce is viewed as taboo. Yes, my parents are happily married and very much in love, but without a doubt, I know if they weren’t, they stillwouldn’t get a divorce. It’s just not something you do according to them. It’s a very old-school way of thinking.
I don’t even want to think about having to tell them about this. The fear of their disappointment makes my stomach churn. We’ve been very careful about not telling anybody about this because we weren’t sure which way we were going to go. We don’t need the sympathy and the judgement until we’re sure. But with a plan now in place, I guess people will start finding out eventually. No longer will we be seen as Boone and Jade, the high school sweethearts.
We’ll become another statistic. A bull rider and his failed marriage. His broken home.
But even the skin-prickling dread that comes with the thought of the entire town knowing about this isn’t enough to change my mind. I don’t think it’s enough to change Jade’s either. There’s no more saving us, and the longer we try, the harder it’ll be to keep things civil.
I want her to be happy and healthy, but I can want those things and still not want to spend my life with her anymore.
Movement catches to my right, and I startle, head whipping in that direction.
Grady chuckles as he takes a seat beside me. He’s wrapped up in a comforter and his hair is flat on one side—clearly the side he was just sleeping on. “Sorry, didn’t realize you were out here.”
“It’s all good.” Clearing my throat, I ask, “What are you doing awake?”
He glances over at me. It’s too dark to make out most of his features, but his hazel eyes glint under the moonlit glow. “I was sleeping,” he replies, voice slightly raspy. “But I woke up and couldn’t pass back out.”
“It wasn’t because of me, was it?” The room he’s staying in is on the main floor right off the kitchen, and even though I wastrying to be as quiet as possible, I probably could’ve woken him if he’s a light sleeper.
Grady shakes his head. “Nah, it happens a lot.”
Huffing a laugh through my nose, I say, “Know the feeling.”
“What’s got you awake?” he asks curiously.
“Just a lot on my mind.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
The sincerity in his tone has me turning my head to meet his gaze again. Grady’s young. He’s barely even twenty-one, but he’s grown up so much in the last few years since going off to college. He’s looking less like the teenager riddled with acne, who always wanted to hang out with Jade and me, and more like a man. The angles of his face are harder now, more defined. Less round and boyish.
“Thanks, but it’s a lot I don’t want to put on you.” Although, it’d be nice to get all this shit off my chest, I can’t do that to him, though. Jade’s his sister. If she wanted him to know, she would’ve told him.
Many a night, I thought about telling one of my friends on the road, but it just never felt right. We’re all close, but I don’t have the tight-knit bond with them, the way they do with each other. Shooter has Cope, and now Sterling, and Colt has Jessie and Clementine. I don’t know if it’s because I’m the oldest out of them all, or maybe it’s because I’m the only married one and talking to them—or anyone—about the troubles in my marriage always felt wrong. It’d be nice to have that type of friendship now, though.
Surprising me, Grady asks, “Does this have anything to do with you and Jade sleeping in separate rooms?”
Laughter bubbles past my lips, even though nothing is funny. I’m just so taken aback. “What?”
He squirms in his seat a little. “I’m not snooping or anything,” he clarifies, looking nervous and uncomfortable.“Jade asked me to put some clean sheets away in the upstairs linen closet, and the spare bedroom door was open. I noticed all your stuff in there and the unmade bed.”
Shit.I thought with him sleeping downstairs, he wouldn’t notice. I’m only here for the week, and by the time I get home from the circuit, he’ll be back at school.
Blowing out a breath, I look out into the dark yard and say, “We aren’t telling anybody yet.”
Grady is dead silent beside me. I don’t have to look at him to know he’s staring at the side of my face. “Telling anybody what?” he asks, tone sounding wary.
Fuck, this isn’t something I should be the one telling him. Jade’s going to fucking kill me when she finds out. There’s a long stretch of silence. Too long. He probably thinks I’m just going to dodge the question. Finally, I look him in the eye. “Jade and I are getting a divorce.”
His eyes widen for a fraction of a second, but he schools his features quick enough that I barely catch it. “What? Why?”
The question makes me laugh, because he sounds so horrified. And because there’s no simple answer to that.
“It’s a number of things. We’re not happy anymore. It’s not working.”
