My chest tightens as his hand grips the microphone, gaze zeroing in on the way his fingers flex against it. My pulse kicks up, heart racing. I don’t get it. I don’t understand this weird feeling I get when I look at him anymore.
Grady’s tongue pokes out of his mouth, wetting his lips as he watches Colt belt out the next part. For the three minutes the song plays, I’m hypnotized. The chatter all around me, the sound of the song, my friends seated next to me…I don’t register any of it. All I can pay attention to is the beating of my heart and the man on stage. The one I have no business looking at like this. The one I have no business thinking about as much as I do.
No matter how hard I try, he’s always there. Always front and center in my mind. When I wake up in the morning, one of my first thoughts after wanting to get up and check on Suzy is wondering if Grady will be downstairs, barefoot and in a pair of pajama pants. Wondering if his hair will be tousled like he rolled around in bed all night. Then that leads to thoughts about Grady in bed doing things other than sleeping. When I head to the arena for training, I’m constantly wondering if I’m going to run into him there. I lie to myself and say it’s because I’m trying to avoid him because things with us haven’t been the same since that night he stood in my doorway, nothing but a shadow in the night as he watched me give into desire.
Grady piques my interest in a way I’m unfamiliar with. In a way no guy ever has. I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve been truly intimate with somebody. Jade and I were separated for a while before we officially decided to get a divorce, and during that time—and even sometime before—we didn’t have sex, and when we did, it was more about scratching an itch. It wasn’t about the connection. Maybe I’m so hungry for intimacy that when I caught him watching me, it fucked me up, and now I’m looking at him in a way I normally wouldn’t.
I’m not gay.
I’m not even bisexual. I’ve never in my entire life found myself attracted to men. And surely, at my age, that would’ve happened by now if that were the case. I don’t even know if that’s what this is, though. Am I attracted to Grady? I mean, sure, I can acknowledge he’s an attractive person. I’m not blind. And sure, I find myself watching him a lot more intently than I would anybody else. I find the way his lashes are so dark, and long, and curly fascinating. They blanket his golden-brown eyes in a way that’s hard to miss. And yeah, I’ve noticed how full and plump his lips are. How soft they look.
And as he stands up there on stage, I can’t help but observe how carefree he seems. How the smile on his face is bright, and how it makes the wrinkles around his eyes crease. His Adam’s apple rolls with every laugh. His body is relaxed as he sways to the beat. He throws an arm around Xander’s shoulder, and Xander does the same thing to him and Colt. Their bodies rock side to side as they finish out the song, and my eyes flick to Grady’s hoodie riding up on his right side. How a sliver of skin is showing. How it’s making my mouth dry and my heart gallop.
What is happening to me? Why am I feeling like this? Is it the alcohol in my system?I want to say yes, but that wouldn’t explain all the other instances where I was stone-cold sober.
The three of them leave the stage, and I know I need to take a moment to calm my frayed fucking nerves before I come face to face with him. Everything I’m feeling is written all over me for everyone to see, and I can’t have that.
Leaning over, I tell the guys at the table, “I’ll be right back,” before standing up and walking out the back door to the bar. The air is chilly tonight, and it bites my cheeks as I round the corner into the alleyway that connects to the establishment. Maybe the frigid temperature will help knock some sense into me. I lean against the brick wall, letting my head fall back as I gaze up at the night sky like it might hold all the answers.
I’m losing it.
That’s what this is.
My life has been turned upside down, no matter how amicable this divorce was, and now my mind is acting out. It’s latching onto any and everything.
Or maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. Although, I’m only twenty-eight… So, a late quarter-life crisis, maybe?
That has to be it, because there’s no way I’m just now discovering an attraction to men after being married to a woman, and only being attracted to women thus far. And there’snofucking way that discovery is coming by way of an attraction to mybrother-in-law.
Well, ex-brother-in-law now, I guess.
“Hey, you okay?”
My head snaps to the side, gaze finding the last person who should be out here right now. I swallow thickly as he approaches, my throat feeling like it’s moving around sandpaper and glass.
“I’m fine,” I lie through gritted teeth.
Grady’s scent surrounds me as he comes to a stop directly in front of me. His cheeks are flushed, probably from being on stage under the neon lights, and he’s removed his hoodie, revealing a black band tee that’s tight around his arms and chest but loose around his waist.
“You sure?” he asks, softer this time. “You kind of high-tailed out of the bar.”
I force myself to drag in a deep breath through my nose. Holding it in my lungs for several long moments, I blow it out through my mouth. Repeating the process a few times, I’m disappointed, but not surprised, to realize it’s not helping. Especially when all I can smell is Grady.
“I’m fine,” I repeat, this time turning my head to meet his gaze. “I’m just…off.”
He cocks his head to the side, thick brows knitting together as his mouth is downturned into a frown. I fucking hate how adorable I find it.
Adorable?Jesus Christ, Boone.
“Off how?”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I use the pain from that to ground me—or at least, attempt to—while I think of the best way to answer this question—or avoid it. Grady’s watching me so intently. It’s enough to make me want to squirm, and I’m not someone who gets uncomfortable easily.
“Have you ever…” I huff out a frustrated sigh. “Have you ever felt something you shouldn’t feel? Something that confuses you?”
He swallows. My eyes dip, tracking the roll in his throat. Again.Goddamnit.“Sure, I have.”
It feels like he’s somehow closer to me now. Like the space between us is vanishing before my eyes, except I don’t recall him ever actually taking a single step my way.
