“Uh-oh, he’s coming over here,” I mutter to Aggie as I put the joint out and stand up. “Pray for me, girl. I may not survive.”
Aggie tosses me a look over her shoulder that, no shit, looks like she’s judging my dramatics. I chuckle to myself like a psycho.
“Trust me, I’m judging me too.”
14
COPE MURPHY
“You’re white as a ghost, dude. Relax.” Shooter pats me on the back before taking a seat on the loveseat across from the couch I’m on.
“I’m relaxed,” I lie.
Shooter chuckles. “Bro, you’re more tense than a bronc locked up in the bucking chute, waiting to be released.”
“Shooter’s right,” Whit chimes in as he strolls in from the kitchen. He hands his new boyfriend, Reggie, a beer. “You look awfully pale. What are you nervous for?”
Shooter, Sterling, Whit, and Reggie have all been over since late this morning watching football. Meaning they were also here when I got the text from Xander inviting me over. I ended up telling them everything I already told Shooter, about how I thought I was starting to have feelings for Xander, and that it confused me. Mostly because Whit is probably one of the most level-headed ones out of our friend group, and I figured he’d have some good advice.
“Honestly, I don’t even fucking know.” Blowing out a breath, I rub my hands on the top of my thighs, my palms annoyingly sweaty.
“Have you hung out with him since you admitted your growing feelings to yourself?” Whit asks.
I nod. “Yeah, but also, not really.”
His brows pinch. “Elaborate.”
Breathing out a laugh, I go on. “Well, we hung out at the hospital for several hours while his aunt was there, but that was a high-stress type situation, so these feelings weren’t really on my mind. And then I saw him briefly when they got home from the hospital. I’d brought them dinner, but it was more of a drop-off-and-go scenario, so we didn’t actually hang out. After that, the only times we’ve hung out are the mornings when I go over there to help him with his farm chores. We’re busy when we do that, so again, it’s easy because my mind is occupied with other things. This is dinner. I won’t have anything to occupy my mind. And it feels like the more I try to convince myself we’re friends and nothing more, the more my brain latches on to everything about him I find way more interesting than a friend would. Whenever we’re around each other, it feels intimate…not friendly.”
“Do you think your nerves are coming from the fact that Xander is a guy?” This time, the question comes from Sterling.
It’s a genuine question, and it’s one I’ve asked myself. “I don’t think so,” I reply honestly. “Shooter and Whit can vouch for me on this, but I’ve never really dated a lot. I haven’t had feelings for more than a few people. It just hasn’t been my thing. I’ve been so busy with other stuff, like finishing high school, going pro, and then, as we all know, once professional rodeo comes into play, it’s easy to take up a lot of your time.”
“So, the feelings are what make you nervous, and not who they’re directed toward?”
Meeting Sterling’s gaze, I nod. “It feels silly because I’m twenty-five years old, and it seems like something I should’ve experienced already, but the way I feel around Xander is unlikeanything I’ve ever felt. Being around him is easy. It’s fun. But it’s more than that, too. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it, but he just feelsdifferent, and I don’t know how to handle that, especially since he has a boyfriend. Why couldn’t I feel this way about somebody who was available?”
The thought has crossed my mind more than once, that if Xander didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d have no trouble pursuing him. I’d want to claim him. Make him mine. It has nothing to do with him being a guy and everything to do with having feelings for somebody I shouldn’t, given their state of being unavailable.
“Life and love are never that simple,” Whit cuts in.
“I don’t love him. I hardly know him.”
“I’m not saying you do. I just mean relationships and feelings; they happen even when they aren’t supposed to. We’ve all experienced it,” Whit says with an almost sad smile.
Somehow, without him even saying it, I know he’s referring to Conrad, his ex-husband. It’s in the faraway look in his eyes. I remember the shock I felt when I heard they were splitting up. It’s been a couple of years now since the divorce has been final, and Whit’s now moved on to Reggie, but everybody in town thought Whit and Conrad were end game.
Glancing over at the clock, I raise off the couch, my legs feeling a little like jelly. “Well, as fun as this conversation about feelings has been, I have to go if I want to be on time. Lock up when you guys leave.”
“Good luck!” Sterling calls out to my retreating form right before Shooter says, “I want details if you bang the boy next door.” I glance over my shoulder, flipping Shooter off before I step into the laundry room, where I keep my boots.
Slipping my feet into them, I check my pockets and make sure I have my keys, wallet, and phone before I step outside. With Xander’s house being so close, and it being a dry day today, I decide to walk. I pull out a cigarette and place it between mylips, lighting it, and hoping the smoke will help calm my nerves and clear my head. The walk over takes no time at all, and after inhaling a few drags, I put it out and slip the butt into the pack, as to not litter on their property.
Trudging up the steps, I knock on the door, my heart thumping rapidly as I wait to be let in. When the door’s pulled open, it’s Xander’s bright, smiling face waiting for me. As discreetly as possible, I run my gaze over the length of him. He’s dressed simply in a plain brown t-shirt and a pair of tight dark jeans, his curly black hair looking extra bouncy today. I don’t know how else to describe it. It looks soft, like I could easily thread my fingers through it. He’s not dressed up, by any means, but he looksreally good. And relaxed.
“Hey,” he breathes out with a wide grin. “Come on in.”
The house smells delicious as soon as I step inside. My stomach rumbles, and I already know dinner tonight will be the best I’ve had in too damn long. While I prefer to cook at home versus eating out, I’m still not the greatest cook, and usually stick to simple things that don’t take much time to make. I’m a much better baker.
