“Henry, I’m not going out to eat tonight.” In my mind, it’s obvious that going out to dinner isn’t an appropriate thing to do, but based on the scrunched-up face he’s giving me, I’d say it’s not that obvious to him.
“Why not? Your birthday is tomorrow. I want to take you out for it.”
It’s my turn to look at him like he’s lost his mind. “Oh, I don’t know, Henry. Maybe because my aunt is in the hospital, suffering from a fucking infection from the surgery she had.”
“She’s sleeping,” he blurts out, entirely too loud. “It’s not like we can do anything here.”
I take a deep breath, not wanting to explode on him, especially not in this hospital room. Once I’m sure I can talk without yelling, I look at him and ask, “Will you come outside with me, please?”
He looks confused, but nods anyway.
The air is chilly when we step out into the night, and it’s already dark, the moon shining big and bright in the sky. We walk to the back of the parking lot as I pull out a pre-roll, lighting it and taking a hit. I could use the weed to calm my frazzled nerves. I’m anxious over what’s going to happen with my aunt, I’m on edge over the impending argument I can feel coming on with Henry, and even though this shouldn’t be on my mind at all, I’m still so uneasy over the way I feel toward Cope. I hate it. It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I’m not strong enough to hold it up.
I take a seat on the sidewalk as I bring the joint up to my lips again. I’m surprised when Henry sits beside me. Normally, he wouldn’t ever dirty one of his suits by doing something like sitting on the ground. We’re quiet for a moment. The sound of cars passing by on the highway behind us fills the air. It feels like this is the start of a conversation that should’ve happened a while ago. It’s heavy. It’s uncomfortable. But we need to do it.
“What’s going on with us?” I finally ask, my voice quiet. We’re both staring straight ahead at the hospital, neither of us wanting to face this head on.
Henry heaves a sigh before saying, “I just want to take you out for your birthday. I came here for you.”
It’s an effort to not roll my eyes. “I know this is hard for you to comprehend since your family isn’t close, but I don’t get to worry about myself and my birthday right now. She’s sick and could get a lot worse. Not to mention, I have to help with the animals at the house while she’s in the hospital. I didn’t come here for no reason, even though I know you think I did.” Taking one last hit, I put the joint out before continuing. “I’m here to help her with things around the house. And believe it or not, it’s hard work.”
“Then what was the point of me coming at all?” he asks, not as harshly as I was expecting.
This time, I do look at him. Turning my head, my eyes clash with his, brows pinched tightly. “Because I missed you, Henry, and I wanted to see my boyfriend for my birthday. It’s not like I planned for this to happen while you were here. Why is that so hard to understand?”
“Yeah, but we’re not even able to spend any time together.”
“We can still spend time together, even if it’s not exactly how you envisioned it.”
He doesn’t reply, and I’m not surprised. Henry’s never been that great of a communicator, so I can’t even hold it against him.Not only do I know it, but I’ve accepted it and put up with it for years now. How can I expect him to be different when I’ve never asked as much from him? But something about this feels different. Something about his apathy toward my aunt doesn’t sit right with me. It has me not wanting to look past it. Not give him a pass simply because he doesn’t know any better.
“We’re different,” I say, no louder than a whisper. “Things between us are different. We’ve barely talked since I came here, and when we do, it’s like you’d rather be doing a hundred other things than talking to me.”
“Well, I’m busy, Xan.” The passive aggressiveness behind those four words is enough to knock me on my ass if I wasn’t already sitting, and I don’t even think he realizes it. “This is nothing new. You know how my job goes, you know how busy I am. What, did you think I’d drop my responsibilities to sit on the phone with you for hours out of the day just because you left the state? Be real, Xander.”
Looking back on this conversation later, I’ll probably realize that it was more than just my aunt that fueled my frustration. Fueled the seemingly rash decision I come to. Looking back, I think I’ll realize it wasn’t so rash after all. It was a long time coming, but I’m too much of a people pleaser to listen to my own wants and needs until my irritation and resentment build and build, until I’m so full with it, I could explode. Until Idoexplode.
“No,yoube real, Henry,” I spit back at him, the vexation in me rising. “You do realize being in a relationship is work, right? It’s not just going to run smoothly because you’d prefer it to. You give me the bare minimum and expect me to thank you for it.” Standing up, I start to pace in front of the sidewalk. He remains seated, but he looks up at me as I go on. “I’m fucking aware you’re a busy man. I’m aware you have to work, and your schedule looks different than most. I get that, and trust me, you never let me forget it. But what I also get is that when we firststarted dating, you somehow made time for me in between your crazy work schedule. I mean, fuck, Henry, you made time for me in the middle of your divorce! Do you think because you got me now, you don’t have to work to keep me? Think I’ll always be here? Is that it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffs, raising to stand, coming face to face with me. His words drip with condescension. I see the flare of anger flash in his eyes, and I know I hit a nerve.
When Henry first started coming into the dispensary, he was married. Well, separated. The divorce was ugly and messy. They owned a lot of property together, and dividing all their assets was a disaster. Against my better judgement, for a reason I still to this day don’t understand, I offered to be there for him through that time.
Our relationship has never been easy, but I think I made myself believe things were better because the idea of losing him hurt too much. I’m not exactly sure when that changed for me; probably around the time my aunt asked me to come help her, and I didn’t even bat an eye at having to leave him. When you dull down who you are and what you want for so long, eventually it becomes impossible to do it anymore. I watered down what I wanted from Henry because I knew he’d never be able to give it to me, but now I just resent him more than ever.
I glance down to where my fingers play absentmindedly with the bracelet around my wrist. It’s a dinky bracelet I made once with my sister that I’ve just never taken off. “I think you should go,” I mutter, lifting my eyes to meet his. The surprise from my statement is evident on his face; it’s probably the last thing he expected me to say.
His eyebrows shoot straight up. “Excuse me?”
“It was a mistake having you come here.”
“All of this because I wanted to take you to dinner for your fucking birthday?”
A laugh bubbles up my throat, but it’s lacking any humor. “It’s not about that, Henry, and you know it. That was just the catalyst to the end we both knew was coming.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” he balks, eyes wide as saucers.
Dragging in a deep breath, I scrub my hand down my face. “I just… This isn’t the most ideal place to have this conversation, Henry, but yeah, I guess I am.” I level him with a stare, trying my hardest to get him to reason with me. “You can’t honestly say you’re surprised by this or you don’t agree. We’ve barely spoken for the last month.”
