“How long has that been going on?” I ask. “I feel like you and Lana hang out quite a bit.”
“Since it came out that I wasn’t straight,” he replies, setting the knife down in the sink and grabbing a couple of plates out of the cupboard. “And yeah, we hang out, but it’s usually when my brother’s at work, and it’s mostly here. Besides, you know Lana.” He laughs. “She doesn’t listen to anybody.”
I laugh too, because he’s not wrong.
“It’s never really changed anything,” Josiah continues, setting a plate in front of me before taking a seat of his own. “I just tend to keep my distance from him.”
There’s so much I want to ask him. I feel like I’m getting to know Josiah in a way I never have before. Just like I’m seeing him in a way I never did.
I want more.
But I shouldn’t.
And it’s not even thehe’s a guything, because I couldn’t give a fuck less what my family or this judgmental ass community thinks. Their beliefs that a man must be with a woman, and that everything else is a sin, is severely outdated.
No… I shouldn’t want more, shouldn’t want to know all these things about Josiah, because of who he is. Because I have Lana. I shouldn’t be feeling these things for somebody else.Especiallyher family. Part of me knows I should feel guiltier about it. I should do everything in my power to stop it, keep my distance.
But if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to.
3
JOSIAH
“Do you ever think about leaving here?” Segan asks as we sit across from each other and eat our lunch. “Move away and never look back?”
This entire afternoon has been unexpected, but… nice. I’ve known Segan basically his whole life, more so in the last couple of years since he started dating my niece, but we’ve never hung out together. Nor do I normally get to teach people about my passion, cars. So, when he asked if I could show him a few things, it was a no brainer. But I didn’t realize how much we’d have in common.
“Yeah,” I say in response to his question. “Of course, I have. You can’t live in a place like this, with beliefs that mis-align with the community’s as much as mine do, and not think about leaving.”
Coming out and living true to who I am has been something I’ve wanted since I realized I was gay, but wanting to and living the reality of it are two very different things. Two years ago, right before I turned eighteen, I was found making out with a guy from school near my house. I’d never seen my father look more disappointed in me than he had that night—and that’s saying something, because I’ve always been a bit of a problem child, at least to his standards.
He kicked me out without a second thought. I wasn’t all that surprised, but it still stung. You always hope your parents will love you unconditionally, and finding out their love, in fact, has conditions, is something I’m still trying to process.
It broke my mother. Not me being gay—she was actually more accepting than I thought she would be—but having my dad kick me out. In the DeMille family, women don’t speak up against the men. It’s just not how it goes. She’s supposed to be seen, and not heard, and she knew doing anything but that would only end badly for her. So, she didn’t try to stop him. I’ve never blamed her, but it still hurts like hell.
Being not quite eighteen and out on the streets would’ve really sucked had it not been for all the money I’d saved. I was able to crash at my buddy, Chevy’s, house while I worked on saving up enough to get a place of my own. It was the first time I truly considered leaving. Sure, I’d thought about it before, but more as a far-off dream.
“Where would you go?”
“That part I’m not sure.” Utah is all I’ve known. I’ve never been out of the state, and wouldn’t have the first idea about where to go or how to start over by myself. It’s daunting. “What about you? Ever thought of ditching this place?”
Segan’s guarded. I can see it in the hard set of his brows as he watches me from across the table. In the way he chews on the inside of his cheek like he doesn’t know how much he should say. Doesn’t know how much he can trust me.
He can, of course, trust me, but there’s no sense in me saying that. My word means next to nothing when you’ve been treated like an outcast your entire life. I know exactly how he’s feeling, wondering who’s genuine and who’s just looking to find out my secrets so they can preach their religious bullshit to me and try to change me.
So, instead of urging him to open up, I take a bite out of my sandwich and give him the space he needs to decide for himself. And after a few silent moments, he does.
Giving me a terse nod, he quietly says, “Yeah, I’ve thought about leaving.”
“With Lana?”
I love my niece. She and I have always had a tight bond, especially over the last few years, as she’s grown into herself and figured out where she stands with regards to the church. I’d hate to be apart from her, but I can’t deny how happy it would make me to see her leave here and be able to live a full, happy life.
Lana’s always been a happy, bubbly girl, but lately, I’ve noticed some of her light start to dull. Not enough to be noticeable to the naked eye, but to someone who’s as close to her as I am, I can see the subtle changes. This place has the ability to wear you down if you let it. And I don’t want that for her.
Segan nods, his lips pressed into a tight line.
“Who would you be if you could leave?”
