His brows scrunch. “What?”
“Now, Josiah!” My voice cracks as I shout at him, hysteria taking hold. “Get the fuck out!”
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
21
JOSIAH
It takes all of ten seconds and a handful of lyrics for the realization to hit me that this song is not only about me, but about a night that is equal parts painful and unforgettable. Segan is up there in the middle of the stage, fingers working the chords on his guitar while he pours his heart out about a memory I was certain he would’ve erased over the years. My chest is tight from watching him up there. Knowing he wanted this for so long, and never thought he’d get here. I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride woven in between the other breath-stealing emotions I feel while listening to him.
Eyes drawn closed, the emotion behind the words is woven within the gravelly rasp in his voice and the way his brows are drawn inward. Even from all the way back here, I can see it written all over his face, the way the lyrics, the memory, affects him.
The way it affects me the same way.
Hell, that night I let myself weakly succumb to the anguish and the pain pouring from Segan’s eyes the minute they locked on mine. Driving to Utah from Nevada for Lana’s funeral, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I’d run into Segan.
Of course, he’d be there. Lana was his girlfriend. I vividly remember the gut-wrenching feeling of trying to prepare myself to see him that day. We hadn’t seen each other in months prior to the funeral, and it was a battle with myself on how I felt knowing I was about to be faced with him again. A large part of me wanted to be pissed at him, devastated that he let Lana die so tragically.
But that was the naive part of me. The part that was trying desperately to clutch onto anything that led me to hate him. Led me to not look at him the way I have for years. Because that was the shitty part of me. The part that longed for my niece’s boyfriend, even when I knew it was wrong. Truth be told, I knew, even back then, that he had nothing to do with her death. He was just as in the dark about her struggles as we all were. She had morphed right beneath our noses, into somebody unrecognizable.
Seeing Segan at her service, seeing how run-down and angry and just overall dejected he looked, was a punch to the gut. He had always been a little darker, his mind a little gloomier than most, but that… that was hard to see. After he stormed out of there without so much as a backward glance, I hadn’t been able to get him out of my mind.
The need to check on him was immense, but I knew it wouldn’t bejustthat. He and I together, in the privacy of his home, would never be mejustchecking on him. A storm had been brewing between us for years. One packed with lust and emotion, and an attachment to the other that neither of us wanted to admit. Prior to that night, it wasn’tonlytwo kisses we shared in the dark. Sure, those were the only times our relationship took a physical turn, but emotionally, this had been stirring up for years.
Every time we shared a look.
Every time we stayed up talking or listening to music or simply existing together after Lana had gone to bed.
Every single time, it was there. The chemistry. The electricity buzzing beneath the surface.
So, looking back now, that night was intentional. I wanted it to happen. I wasn’t simply going there to check on him. Because while yes, I did want to make sure he was okay, I fully knew he wasn’t, and I wanted to be the one to catch him when he fell. It was selfish and fucked up,especiallygiven what day it was. And it isn’t until right this very moment, as I hear him recount how it felt to be pinned beneath me, my hips grinding against him, that I’m finally able to admit that to myself.
Segan’s eyes open, scanning the room, and when they lock on mine, it’s like a bomb detonating in my nervous system. My heart thumps behind my ribs, a chill rolling down my spine. Every single nerve ending is lit up under the weight of his stare, and my stomach flutters as he stumbles over the lyrics for a moment before he catches himself.
My chest tightens as it feels like he’s singing only to me. Like every other patron of this bar has vanished, and it’s just him and I, and this memory neither of us should acknowledge. It’s intimidating, having his gaze zeroed in on me so intently as he sings the story of our attraction.
It’s heady and overwhelming.
Ash leans in, elbow bumping up against my arm. “This is intense,” they murmur into my ear.
Breaking the eye contact, I turn my head, meeting Ash’s gaze. “What do you mean?”
They roll their eyes, huffing out a laugh. “Please. Like you don’t notice the way he’s only got eyes for you while he performs this extremely intimate song. Care to elaborate some more on howwellyou two know each other again?”
The blood roars in my ears as my tongue suddenly feels two sizes too big for my mouth. I was purposely vague with Ash when I explained who Segan was to me for this exact reason. There’s no way to explain our relationship without sounding like a piece of shit.
I shake my head, turning around so I’m facing the bar. “I don’t think I know what you mean,” I say flippantly. “Let’s order some shots.”
Ash chuckles beside me, but drops the topic, nonetheless. We order a shot of whiskey each.
Then another.
And then one more for good measure.
