He waves me off like it’s no big deal, but I don’t buy it. “Cash was never in a place to be in a relationship. I knew it from the moment we moved in together as roommates. He was grieving the loss of… something. I didn’t—and still don’t—know what.” Xander takes another hit, passing the pipe back to me. “It was your typical situation, where I’d hoped to be the one to fix him. I definitely liked him way more than he liked me, but it’s okay. We ended shit civilly. He ended up moving to Texas after graduation anyway for a job, so it never would’ve worked.”
“Damn. I’m sorry, that sucks.”
He shrugs. “It is what it is.”
When the weed’s gone, I hand the pipe back to him. “Wanna get drunk?” I ask.
Xander busts out laughing at that, but nods. “Hell yeah. Let’s do it.”
An hour later, we’re six tequila shots deep whileChokeholdby Sleep Token thumps through the speakers along the back wall of Xander’s living room. We started playing video games, but those were long forgotten after about twenty minutes.
We’re currently sitting side by side on his couch, music pulsing through us as we swap dating horror stories. Xander and I have been friends for quite some time now—we met during one of our very first classes freshmen year—but we’ve surprisingly never spoken about our dating lives all that often. Probably because we both have such terrible luck, so it’s best if we don’t share the details.
“Okay, okay, let me get this straight,” Xander says, the words full of laughter. “You hooked up with not one, buttwoof Cash’s friends… in the same year?”
“Yes. Fuck off.” Even thinking about that time of my life makes me cringe. “It wasn’t on purpose.”
“Who was better in the sack?” Xander asks, waggling his brows at me.
A full-on belly laugh bubbles out of me at that question. “Well, I only actually slept with Branson. The other was barely foreplay before we were interrupted.”
He rolls his eyes. “Lame. Who’s got the bigger dick?”
I pin him with ayou can’t be seriouslook, which only makes him chuckle harder. Finally, I admit, “Aston. All the way. But Branson’s pierced, so do with that what you will.”
“I knew it!” Xander gets up and wordlessly goes into the kitchen, coming back out with two bottles of water, handing me one. “So, when you started dating Nathaniel, was there anyone in between him before graduation, or was he it?”
During our senior year, Xander and I drifted a bit. Not on purpose and not because we valued our friendship any less, but because he was so busy with school and work, and he moved off campus, so we didn’t see each other often.
“He was it,” I admit after downing about half the bottle. “He gave me the attention I’d been dying to get for years. Why would I want to screw that up?”
“That’s fair. Did you ever wonder if he wasn’t being faithful recently? Or did this come as a total surprise?”
Dragging in a deep breath, I consider how to answer this without sounding like a fucking idiot who got played. It doesn’t miss me that he said“recently,”because Xander knows better. “You know how when you’re in the middle of something, it’s easy to have blinders on? Like, it’s easy to miss glaringly obvious red flags, because you’re basically wearing rose-colored glasses, because what you have is everything you think you’ve wanted?”
He nods, and after what he told me about him and Cash, I have a feeling he understands a lot more than I used to think.
“If the last three days have showed me anything, it’s that my blinders were firmly in place. We both know exactly who Nathaniel is to his core, but I think I wanted to believe he loved me so much, and I wanted to believe he wanted this future with me so bad, I tricked myself. I made myself see shit that wasn't there, the same way I tricked myself into ignoring shit thatwasthere. I think, had I not been so desperate to get this life I’ve always dreamed of, I probably would’ve seen the situation for exactly what it was, and saved myself a lot of time… and money.”
Xander’s lips are pressed together, turned down into a frown, and I hate the pity I see on his face. “Fuck, I’m sorry, man.”
“It’s all good, Xan.” Pulling out my phone, I check the time. “Don’t you have work in the morning?”
“Yup.”
“It’s getting pretty late. Think we should call it a night?”
I hate how cut open and vulnerable I feel right now. Talking about Nathaniel does nothing but remind me that I should’ve known better. Guys like him don’t settle down, especially not with guys like me.
Guys like me are thejust for funtype.
Themake your ex jealoustype.
Theyou’re really fun and all, but I’m not looking for anything serioustype.
It’s how it’s always been, and how it’ll probably always be.
Never anybody’s first choice. Ever.
