“You can’t let him do this to you, Travis.” My gaze lifts from the plate to meet his across the table. “For as long as I’ve known you, which at this point, is close to a decade, you’ve always settled, accepted the bare minimum from men. You gotta fucking stop that shit, man.”
Letting out an exasperated sigh, he rakes his fingers through the mop of brown hair atop his head. “I don’t know why you do this, or why you so clearly don’t see your own worth, but it’s time to stand tall, dust your damn shoulders off, and move on. And I don’t mean with another temporary fix. You let Nathaniel walk all over you, and you were so in the clouds, you couldn’t even see it. He’d constantly go out, stay out all hours of the night without so much as a heads-up text. He was always flirting with people right in front of your face, then gaslighting you when you confronted him. You deserve so much better. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past six months, it’s that maybe it’s best to leave college relationships in college. Live and learn.”
Swallowing around the tightness in my throat, I listen to him tell me everything I should already know.“You’re a catch.” “The right man will treat you with the respect you deserve.”
Blah, blah, blah.
IknowI deserve better than what I accept.
IknowI should be patient and wait for someone who is good for me.
But being nothing but second best your entire life, it’s easier to accept simply having someone’s attention, so you’re not alone. It’s easier to see the good in someone when they’re rolling around in the sheets with you, looking at you like you’re the only one they see, than knowing you’re not good enough to be someone’s first choice. Trust me, I did my fair share of sleeping my way through college. Grindr hook-ups, frat parties that ended with me sweaty and horizontal with someone who I meant nothing to… but it got old. I was trying to fill a void, trying to find love in the wrong places.
It was easier to take what I could get. It’s why when Nathaniel came around, I held on to him and was okay looking past his flaws—flaws I probably should’ve run from years ago.
“Listen, I talked to your sister.”
“Wha—”
Holding up a hand, he continues, cutting me off. “She’s coming over in the morning to pick you up, and the two of you are going to spend the day apartment hunting. And no, before you even try to say it, it isn’t because I don’t want you here. It’s because finding a place for yourself will help you heal. It’s the first step in moving on.”
Pressing my lips together tightly to avoid saying something immature or bratty, I bring my attention back to my plate, suddenly not very hungry. I know he’s doing this because he cares, and had I not been in the thick of my wallow-fest, I would probably thank him, but right now, the wound is still too fresh for me to even try to see things logically.
Eventually, I peer over at him, finding him still watching me. I give him a terse nod before we get back to eating.
* * *
Downtown Desert Creekin late October can be a frigid bitch. It hasn’t snowed yet, but I know it’s coming. Hot puffs of air form white clouds in front of me as Charlotte and I walk along the sidewalk.
“You want to talk about it?” My sister has always been too intuitive for her own good. That said, I do think Xander filled her in on mysituation.
“Not really,” I mumble, shoving my hands into my pockets. Why I chose to leave the house without gloves is beyond me.
In my peripheral, I see her glance over at me, but I don’t dare look. She has this innate ability to get people to spill their guts, whether they want to or not. She’s like a leopard—avoid eye contact at all costs or else she pounces.
“Okay, well, when you’re ready,” she mutters, but leaves it at that. “I found three nice choices for us to check out. They’re all within a five-mile radius of your work, and not too overpriced.”
We stop in front of a new looking white building. It’s small, compared to other apartment complexes, sitting on the street next to a Dutch bakery and a Starbucks. Glancing over at Charlotte, her green eyes sparkle as she offers me a small smile, presumably meant to be reassuring.
The place isn’t half bad. It looks clean and well kept. There’re elevators, which is nice, since the available unit is on the third floor. It’s got hardwood floors, with only carpet in the bedrooms—there are two—and the kitchen looks renovated, with granite countertops and stainless-steel appliances. Even the stove is gas powered, which is another plus.
“Whatcha think, Trav?” Charlotte comes up behind me, looping her arm through mine.
“It’s nice.”It’s not the four-bedroom house with a yard I just bought, but I don’t say that. “I’ll take this one.”
Her eyes widen. “Really? Don’t you want to see the other two?”
“Not really,” I resign. “This one’s nice, and I’d rather get it over with.”
What I don’t say is this feels like giving up. Almost as if as long as I stayed at Xander’s, I could pretend my long-term relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry didn’t fail. But I can’t bury my head in the sand and stay ignorant forever. Xander’s words ring through my thoughts. “Step one to moving on.”
So, squaring my shoulders and choosing tomove on,we go back downstairs with the leasing lady, and I sign the lease with plans on moving in next weekend.
I can do this.
6
MATEO
