Damien shot me a bewildered look, then shook his head. “Us? Nah.”
“Why not?” I asked, curious to my marrow. The truth was, seeing them banter and bicker never failed to make my heart skip a beat. I had no ambitions to get what I wanted. And I would probably be jealous as fuck if either of them truly ended up with some stranger. The best outcome was to see them end up together.
I planted that thought deep inside my consciousness. I let it take root. With time, it would grow stronger and I would pull what strings I could to see that it happens. Damien and Tanner. That wasn’t such a terrible thought. I couldn’t get either of them, but I could make them get each other.
It was an oddly comforting thought.
Except that my heart gave another sorrowful moan. Something in me turned and churned and I wished to find a way to continue the conversation with Damien. I wished he would urge me again and give me a bit of courage that I lacked.I know Tanner wants you, he could say.Nah. He doesn’t want a guy like me, I’d finally admit with some reluctance and a lot of shame.Why not?Damien would ask. And I would tell him all about my faults and shortcomings.
And then, Damien would look into my eyes, and tell me what a great guy I was. Like he had a million times before. And every time he had, I’d found myself in the place where I’d been at the very start of things; I had always found myself in front of him, thinking,this is why I love you more than I love life.
And I had always returned to square one. Torn apart between two boys I loved in equal measures. Incapable of reaching out for either one. Reluctant to have only one.
A long while later, when the fire was burning merrily and Tanner putting his nimble fingers and smooth voice to good use, my little predicament took a whole new turn. Damien tossed a coin that decided I would sleep in the middle.
I would be between the two boys I loved.
That entire evening was nothing short of torture.
Fire crackled in the pit Damien and I had made. The old, dry twigs sent sparks flying whenever we added more fuel to it. Embers glowed so bright that I couldn’t tear my gaze off of them.
The last rays of sunshine flickered out and gave way to stars that covered the night sky.
Us three boys sprawled around the fire, cans of beer nearby, and guitar music filling the space. Tanner had always been that friend in the group, wherever we had gone. Seeing him like this made me forget he was the son of a CEO of one of the largest eco lifestyle startups in the country, but that was exactly who his mother was.
“Do you guys remember Hudson’s twenty-first birthday?” Tanner asked, strumming the guitar and changing the melody to something slower and softer. I knew he was improvising at this point, just striking whatever notes naturally sounded good to him and going with whatever melody he’d made up.
Damien laughed softly at the question. “Barely,” he said. “He showed us the true meaning of splurging.”
I was already getting a little warm at the memory. We’d all been a bit drunk that night and, for a moment, I had thought Damien was going to kiss me. We’d been in a corner, keeping ourselves entertained, while all the masked faces moved around the dance floor. Damien had leaned in and I had closed my eyes, but he’d only blown a stray hair off the mask that had covered the upper half of my face. I’d ended up grateful for Hudson’s theatrics and insistence on masks for his party because my face had gone so hot that it melted my makeup in embarrassment.
Damien had been drunk enough to forget how I’d puckered my lips and sighed with relief that my waiting had finally paid off.
“I had a threesome that night,” Tanner said casually, then plucked at the strings of his guitar.
Damien snorted. “I’m so happy to know that. Truly, thank you for sharing.”
“No, no,” I cut in, stopping Damien’s sarcasm. “Let’s hear the guy out.” My heart was thudding louder in my chest as well as my ears, but I kept my expression cool. Really, hearing about a threesome while we were out here, all alone, and making up the exact amount of people necessary for such a thing wasn’t something I needed. Not when it was all just a pipe dream.
“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Tanner said with profound wisdom in his tone.
Damien chuckled.
“But since you’re so eager to know, and I’m no gentleman, and kissing wasn’t involved…” Tanner emphasized each of those with a different chord. “It’s really sweet, actually. These two guys heard about the party. Freshmen, full of wonder and curiosity, if you can believe it. Anyway, they’d been best friends all their lives and, naturally, they turned that into a relationship. Tried to, at least; I haven’t followed up on them to know for sure. But they seemed like a strong couple. The catch? They’re both bottoms, which is missing half the fun if you ask me. We started talking and they told me how they got around the issue of neither ever wanting to top. Let’s just say they have a great collection of double-sided toys. But when they were really naughty, they looked for someone who wanted some casual fun.”
“Enter the king of casual fun,” Damien said, waving his hands at Tanner.
Tanner bowed and narrowed his eyes thoughtfully after that. “Here’s the funny thing. They’re not compatible in bed, but that’s not stopping them. And me? I never even got close to having what they have.”
“Or any of our friends,” I said and tilted the can against my lip, pouring some beer over my dry tongue. Imagining Tanner with two eager guys excited me precisely as much as it horrified me.
“Mm,” Damien agreed.
“How come kissing wasn’t involved?” I asked, remembering that tidbit abruptly.
Tanner smiled. “They had a thing. Kissing was too intimate.”
“That’s the twenty-first century dating for you,” Damien said. “First base is sex without exchanging names.”
