“But—” I’m always caught between wanting to articulate my feelings and coming off like a wet blanket.
Kota doesn’t seem bothered. Stepping back, he grabs my hand with a reassuring smile. “I know there’s still a lot to figure out. But I think we can do it together, side by side, if you’re willing.”
As he reaches out, I catch a glimpse of his flat pecs through the arm of his tank top, and a scar wrapping around his side. Seeing him so carefree, unburdened by a body that doesn’t belong to him, makes me as close to emotional as I’ve felt since I got the call about losing Brendan. “Has anyone told you that you’re so fucking beautiful?”
He smiles from ear to ear in surprise, the tips of his ears turning pink. “I’m supposed to be wearing scar tape for a year, but I skipped it just today, for seeing you.” I frown immediately, and he bursts out laughing, then presses my knuckles to his lips.
“I get it, I get it. I’ll be perfect from now on and you can boss me around as much as you want. But today’s a special occasion.”
I look down at our joined hands, stroking my thumb along his knuckles. “You said I didn’t need to plan a date, but I did make a hypothetical itinerary and list of ideas in case you, I don’t know, forgot or something. Just…you know.”
“Oh, Jamie. You’re the best.” He kisses my shoulder, then leans against it. I can see cherry petals caught in his hair. “Thank you, but I’ve got us covered this time.” Without an explanation, he leads me off down the street, never letting go of my hand, never letting me feel lost.
Kota
Half a block from our destination, Jamie’s steps falter as he recognizes the area. “What is this?”
I turn around and wrap both my hands around his bigger one. He looks so handsome with his slightly tousled curls, his stubble, and the form-fitting polo that highlights his shoulders. His earnest eyes study me uncertainly. “Do you want to keep going?” He thinks for a long time, because that’s the kind of guy he is, then nods.
When we reach the office building I’m looking for, the revolving front door swallows us up and spits us out inside a round, five-story-tall lobby full of plants, a huge fountain, and hushed echoes that rise to the ceiling. Yellow sunlight cascades down, highlighting the sparkle of dust in the air. Aside from a few people bustling past or pausing to savor their coffee, it’s not very busy. I turn in a circle, taking in all the details that make it feel like an outdoor retreat instead of a corporate lobby. “This is amazing! You designed this?”
His gaze traces over the floor, the walls, like he’s re-creating a day from years ago in his mind, searching for his friend. “We did. I kept telling myself I’d come back, but I couldn’t bear to do it alone and I couldn’t ask anyone else because they wouldn’t understand.”
It makes my heart ache that the only man who truly saw me doesn’t know what it feels like to be seen. “I’m here now. I’ll always be here, and I’ll always listen to you.” Careful not to pressure him, I settle cross-legged in the middle of the floor. “You said this was your favorite memory, so I was hoping you could show me.”
Jamie sits on the edge of the fountain and studies me thoughtfully. “He knew exactly what he was doing. You look incredible in the light here.” His voice gets more animated as he continues. “First he fiddled with the angle of the skylights for weeks, making sure they’d throw sunshine against the iridescent flecks in the stone he chose…”
Still talking, he slides onto the floor with me. We both lie back so that we’re stretched out in opposite directions with our heads next to each other. We get a few weird looks, but he’s too deep in his story to notice. I relax and tilt my chin up, admiring the breathtaking view. The curved ceiling glitters and glows, like an inverted bowl of sunlight, with windows highlighting the pure blue sky above us. It reflects in Jamie’s eyes as he points out tiny details and uses a million architecture words I don’t know the meaning of yet.
I catch myself watching his face instead of the ceiling, so serious but full of passion. Scooting a little closer, I nuzzle my nose against his ear and close my eyes. He kisses my forehead, then goes back to explaining. Blissful warmth heats my skin and his summer-smelling hair tickles my cheek.
If I think back, I can still feel the damp chill of rain soaking through my clothes as I sobbed on Jamie’s deck, feeling utterly alone. My family didn’t want me and my body didn’t belong to me. All I had was a complete stranger who accepted me unquestioningly, even when he was lonely and unaccepted. We still have hurdles to face, but I know one thing—he’s mine now, and I’m his, no matter what that means. Separately, we’re unfinished, but together we can walk forward, whole and free and bathed in light.
