One single word that shatters my entire being. My chest tightens as my throat aches. I can’t believe this. “Why wouldn’t you tell me this?”
“Because it was one time, Jules.One time. In high school.”
The dull ache in my chest intensifies, my fingers rubbing roughly at the area. I don’t even know what to say. How could he not fucking tell me this? How did I not know this? Is this why they stopped being friends? Is this the real reason why he’s been trying to push me away?
“This is fucking great,” Ryan blurts out, throwing his hands in the air. “How the fuck did this even begin?”
“Ryan…” Pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger, I try to think of how to explain this without making everything worse. Because, truly, can it get much worse? “That’s none of your business.”
“Oh, my God.” Ryan’s hands thrust into his hair as he steps back, eyes widening. “It’s like the last guy, isn’t it?
When the silence in the room becomes deafening as nobody answers, he continues.
“You’re a fucking prostitute, aren’t you?” he barks at Bodhi, before he snaps his head in my direction. “You hired him? You hired my old best fucking friend to screw while my mom was fucking dying?!”
“Son, lower your voice. Please.”
“God.” He laughs. “It’s no wonder you became a fucking hooker, Bodhi. Your self-esteem was always in the fucking trash. Always looking for attention where you had no business getting it from. Does it make you feel good? Huh? Does it make you feel important and needed to fuck old men for money?”
“Ryan!”
“Dad, shut the fuck up.” He points a finger at me before sliding back to Bodhi. “Well, you’re not. You’re fuckingpathetic. You’re nothing. Nothing but a fucking used-up whore.”
“That’s enough!” I step between them, shoving Ryan back just as a sob falls from Bodhi behind me. “I raised you better than this. You don’t talk to people like that, Ryan!”
“That’s fucking great coming from you—the man who repeatedly cheated on his wife. The man sleeping with a man his son’s age. You’re disgusting. You both fucking disgust me.”
Without another word, he storms out the door, slamming it behind him. My pulse roars in my ears, my body feeling dizzy and disoriented. In the back of my mind, I know I should comfort Bodhi, but the bigger part of my mind is furious. Furious that he wouldn’t tell me this. That he couldn’t trust me enough to say it.
None of it matters, anyway, because the moment I turn to face him, he runs out the door before I can even think to stop him.
“Fuck!”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Bodhi King
The metal is unforgivingly cold as I step onto the scale for what is the fifth time in the last two days. I know exactly what it says, yet I keep stepping on it, assuming it’ll read different.
A hundred and twenty-three pounds.
Stepping off the scale, I move in front of the mirror I usually avoid like the plague. My fingers run over the outline of my rib cage as my eyes take in every square inch of my naked body. My thighs don’t touch anymore, hip bones poking out and prominent, eyes hollow. The sick part of my brain loves the way I look.
Skinny.
My energy is completely depleted. Running is out of the question entirely. In the three days it’s been since Ryan told his dad everything, I’ve attempted to go on a few runs, only to feel like I’m about to pass out after only a few blocks. I’m withering away, slowly killing myself. It’s something I’m aware of, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want to.
Ryan’s words are on a constant loop in my head, mixing with my own self-loathing thoughts.
“You’re fucking pathetic.”
“You’re nothing.”
“Nothing but a used-up whore.”
He’s right. On all counts. I’m pathetic and nothing. Someone like me doesn’t end up with someone as wonderful as Jules. The world doesn’t work that way, and I’ve only been kidding myself by thinking otherwise.
Lately, it’s like I’m drowning. My head keeps dunking under the water, my body becoming too tired to hold it up anymore. I sink farther and farther down until the pressure is too much. Until my lungs scream at me. Until I want to stop fighting all together, and just let the water take me.
