Setting his phone face down, he glances over at me with an expression void of any emotion. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I was always top priority in your eyes when I was younger. Think of it as me taking a play from your book.”
It’s a punch to the gut. More than once, I’ve considered how it would go if I ever told him about Bodhi if the time ever came. How he’d react, given not only Bodhi’s age, but the fact that they used to be such good friends. But how can I ever be honest with him about that, when he isn’t even willing to listen to me about what happened in the past and let me try to make up for it?
When Ryan was growing up, I admit, I workeda lot.While I probably didn’t need to, I was trying to make a name for myself, outside of my family’s name. The Van der Meers come from old money, and while I’ve always appreciated not having to want for anything, it was important to me that I built my own success, stood on my own two feet.
But in hindsight, I realize in doing so, I unintentionally pushed other responsibilities to the side, assuming Lorelei would pick up my slack. It’s something that took me years to figure out, and it wasn’t until Ryan went off to college that I saw what a toll it took on him.
I regret not being there for him as much as I should’ve been. In my eyes, I provided for him and showed up to games, tossed the football around with him on some weekends, but being a parent is much more than just being there for the fun or the easy. It’s something I can’t take back, but I hope like hell he’ll give me the opportunity to try to be better in the future.
“Ryan, I really would like to try to mend things with you. I miss you.”
“Yeah, well, that’s why I’m here.”
“Really?”
He nods. “I’ve been low on cash lately,” he starts, and I’m unsure where this is going and what it has to do with what we were talking about. “I lost my job a few months ago because practice was taking up too much of my time.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Ry.” Still confused.
“I’ve really gotta keep my focus on the game and training if I ever want to get picked up by the NFL, which means working really isn’t a logical idea for me right now. You know what I mean?”
Beatrice sets our drinks on the table, briefly pausing this bizarre turn of events as she takes our food order. Ryan wastes no time picking the conversation right back up where he left it when she steps away.
“As I was saying.” He pauses to take a drink of his Coke. “I think you could help me out. It could be, you know, mutually beneficial.”
“I gotta be honest, Ry. I’m not really following.”
“It’s simple, really.” Leaning forward, elbows rested on the table, he meets my gaze head on as he continues. “You want to be able to talk to me, have a relationship with me, and I want to have the funds to live the lifestyle I want while continuing to go to school and do football.”
There’s no way he’s suggesting what I’m thinking he is. “Ryan, spit it out.”
“Think of it like an allowance, Dad. A large one.”
“Are you suggesting Ipayyou in order to have a relationship with you?”
“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.” He crosses his arms over his chest, looking smug and pleased with himself, like this was the smartest idea he could’ve ever come up with.
“You’re out of your goddamn mind, Ryan.” I can feel my blood pressure soaring. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What the hell is wrong withme?” he scoffs. “What the hell is wrong withyou, Dad?” He says “dad” like it’s venomous, slithering off his tongue.
Taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I lean in farther and lower my voice. “Ryan, I just want to have a relationship with my son. That’s it.”
“And I just want money.”
The vein in my neck throbs as I watch him. “This is unbelievable.”
“I don’t know why you’re so upset. You did this. Plus, it’s not like you’re not used to paying men to get attention.”
There it is.
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, please, Dad! I’m not a fucking child anymore. You think I don’t know that guy I saw with you at that hotel a few years back was a hooker?”
“Will you keep your fucking voice down,” I say through gritted teeth.
“I suggest if you want me to keep it down, you agree to my deal.”
