Prologue
There are times in your life where things will happen that make you glad that you stuck it out. That you put one foot in front of the other and fought like hell to climb out of the hopeless, dark cave of desolation. Moments where you start to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel everyone promises you. Where your limbs start to feel lighter, and the smile on your face feels a little less forced. Times when it seems like the storm clouds may finally give way to the much-needed sun in life that makes you believe that maybe we’ll be okay after all.
Today is not that day.
Today is obsidian.
It’s cold and dark. It’s empty, hopeless, shameful. It’s the type of defeat that you can’t come back from. It’s final.
I’m tired.So. Fucking. Tired.
I’m tired of pretending. Tired of hiding. Tired of not being good enough, smart enough, normal enough. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep waking up from one nightmare, only to submerge myself into another. The day-to-day is exhausting. Trying to simply get by and survive. It’s not worth it.
What do I get from being strong? Where has that ever led me? Disappointment… rejection… pain.
Enough’s enough.
Wiping the never-ending pools of moisture from my cheeks, I stare down at the bottle in my hand. The bottle containing the drugs that are supposed to increase the levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in my brain. Make mehappy. The very same drugs I’ve refused to take for the last several months because I shouldn’t have to take a pill every single fucking day to be happy. I should be able to function without them.
Should be.But I can’t… clearly. Otherwise, why else would I be sitting on the floor in my bedroom, tears cascading down my face, heart cracked open and bleeding, wanting to end it all. Because wouldn’t that be easier? Swallow these and feelnothing. All my problems, all the hurt, would disappear because I would simply cease to exist anymore.
Then I’d never have to remember everyone I hurt or let down.
I’d never have to remember that my life was one big lie, and that the devastating truth could’ve changed everything. Could’ve made my life better. I wouldn’t have had to hurt so many people. I wouldn’t have had so many people hurtme.
How can one person continue to let down so many people?
I can’t do this anymore, and frankly, I don’t want to. The answer is right in front of my face. It’s so easy…
Unscrewing the child-safe lid to the slender orange bottle, I empty the contents into my palm. Several pea-sized white pills gather in my hand as I stare down at them through blurry eyes. Dozens of thoughts swarm my dejected mind.
It’s for the best.
They’d be better off without you.
You can’t disappoint anyone if you’re gone.
The plaguing thoughts can’t get to you anymore.
Numerous thoughts, none of which telling me this is a bad idea. Because it isn’t. It’s the only way. The only way to protect myself and save those around me. I’m cancer that has metastasized. A leech sucking the life out of everyone in my presence. A disease that needs to be removed before I can infect anyone else.
Bringing my palm to my lips, I dump the handful of pills into my mouth, grabbing the glass of water to my left and washing down the chalky-white substance swimming around.
“It’s the only way,” I tell myself as I dump more into my hand, filling my mouth once more.
“You can’t let anyone down anymore,”I think, repeating the process again. The tears fall in a steady stream, wetting my face and my lap as my throat constricts against a sob.
“It’s almost over,”I promise myself, swallowing down the rest of them before letting the bottle fall to the floor beside me.
Will I feel it, or will it be peaceful?
Is it going to take a long time, or will it be over quickly?
Grabbing my phone from my lap, I unlock it and pull up the one contact I shouldn’t reach out to but can’t help it.
Me: I’m so sorry. I ruined everything and I wish things could be different, but this is the only way. I’m sorry.
I hit send before powering off the device and setting it next to the empty pill bottle. I lie down on the plush carpet, knees tugged up to my chest, arms wrapped tightly around them. For the first time in years, I feel relief. The anguish that plagues me is about to disappear. The hurt, the emptiness, the hopelessness… it’s almost over.
