“But I’m naked!”
“I don’t give a shit. Would you just shut up and do it!”
He gathered his clothes, but I pushed him out the door before he could put them on.
And then he paused like he seriously didn’t know what to do. You know, like the stress of the moment had caught up to him.
“I can’t go downstairs,” he whispered.
“Then go out through the bathroom.”
“But I can’t just?—”
“Shut up, would you? He’ll hear us.”
I pushed Erik into the bathroom and pointed to the window. Outside was a second-floor deck that was normally accessed through an upstairs door, but only through my roommate’s bedroom. Erik could climb out there easily enough. In the meantime, I ran downstairs to stop my roommate, Joe, before he could find Erik.
“Bro, you’re home early,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“How come you didn’t tell me?”
And then I saw Erik through the window, climbing down from the door. Well, actually, I saw his naked ass on display for the entire Westside as he climbed down from the roof. He seemed to be trying to climb down a storm gutter that could give way at any second. Instead of listening to my roommate, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the window.
“Okay, Dad,” Joe said. “Didn’t know I had to tell you about all my comings and goings.”
“You don’t. I’m just saying…”
“But I did send you a text saying I was on my way back. Didn’t you get it?”
My eyes fell shut a little, realizing I could’ve avoided this situation if I’d checked my phone. And I hadn’t read my texts because I’d spent the entire night in bed with Erik De Ruiter, who was going to fall off the roof naked if he wasn’t careful.
So far, Joe hadn’t glanced over his shoulder to look. Could he see the panic in my eyes? I wasn’t sure. If he hadn’t noticed anything, no freaking way would I let on.
“You have a hot weekend or something?” my roommate asked.
“No!”
He backstepped, raising his hands halfway in a semi-surrender.
I paused, cleared my throat, and tried answering him again like a calm, rational, and normal human being.
“I mean, no, I haven’t,” I said. “What makes you ask?”
“Well, it sounded like someone was upstairs with you just now.”
“Oh, noooooo, no. I didn’t have anyone upstairs. You must be hearing things, bro.”
“And I just heard a thud that sounded like someone falling out of bed?”
“No, that was just clumsy me.”
“And then there’s the fact that you’re naked.”
I looked down, and realized he was right. In my haste to get Erik out of the house, I’d forgotten to get dressed!
Oh yeah, I must’ve looked like a complete idiot in that moment. But I wouldn’t draw more attention to my nakedness. Instead, I would treat it as normal, so I strolled into the kitchen and started loading the dishwasher, acting like nothing strange was going on.
