“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”
“I mean it, I’m going. I’m gone.”
“Then why are you still standing there?”
My boyfriend had me again.
I threw my hands up, grunted, and marched out the door. It slammed behind me almost as soon as I was out of the apartment.
I glanced over my shoulder, wishing I had something heavy to throw at it but then realized it was just as well that I didn’t. We’d both caused enough damage with words.
I did pause, figuring my boyfriend would come running out of his apartment, wanting to take back everything he’d said. Then he would beg for forgiveness, and I would at least pretend to think it over. But he didn’t. I guess that only happened in books and movies.
Finally, I pushed myself downstairs, just like I had to force myself out of the apartment. I’d tried calling his bluff, and the whole thing had blown up in my face. But I couldn’t have regrets.I could only live one way: by tackling problems head-on. And if Erik De Ruiter couldn’t handle that…
Erik might’ve won the whole thing too. That was another thing that drove me insane. Losing a battle to him was bad enough without dropping the whole damn war.
Once downstairs, I headed to my car and hopped in, but I didn’t start the engine. I couldn’t Part of me wanted to get the hell out of there and return home. Another part felt the reality of what’d just happened flood into my mind.
I put my hands over my face. No, I didn’t cry, but I couldn’t face the world yet either.
Oh my god. How could I have been so stupid? Like, did I really have to do that? And maybe Erik really had been right . My following him to his apartment to continue our argument really had been creepy. I wanted to think that it wasn’t all bad. I wanted to believe that I’d meant well but couldn’t consider all that’d happened in under ten minutes and deny how bad it was.
My hands started shaking, and I removed them from my face. I felt nauseous. Had the same happened to Erik?
Beats the hell out of me.
I mean, he’d been the one to throw me out of the apartment.
Anyway, I can admit to feeling shaky and sick because of fear and nothing else. Normally, I didn’t understand what it meant to be afraid. I needed to tackle things head-on because I couldn’t let fear stand in the way. And yet, the fear became a roadblock anyway. The worst argument I’d ever had with my boyfriend hadn’t involved fists because words had packed enough of a punch.
And we couldn’t take those words back.,
My boyfriend—could I even call Erik that anymore? After the fight we’d just had, I found it hard to believe that I could still place him under that heading. Not because I didn’t want to. It was just common sense. Threatening to kick me out of hisapartment to make a point was one thing. He couldn’t actually order me out and think we could really stay together.
All the effort I’d invested over the last few weeks to ensure the rocky road we’d been traveling wouldn’t hurt the team had gone down the toilet. At least I couldn’t fault myself for that.
Fuck it. I knew what my hopes and dreams were. I’d known it before I ever knew Erik De Ruiter existed. All I would accomplish by worrying about this would be to let Erik stand in the way of them. I realized right then that I should’ve trusted my instincts right from the very start: that Erik De Ruiter was a moron and not nearly as great as he thought he was.
I was better off without him. And that wasn’t me acting all butthurt about the argument. It was the simple truth. When I thought of it that way, my hands stopped shaking. My nausea cleared up a little but not completely. I felt steady enough to stick my keys into the ignition and fire up the engine. I drew a deep breath. I didn’t want to leave, but I needed to.
When I drove down Bush Street toward Grote, I understood that I could be leaving Erik De Ruiter’s apartment for the final time. And I was fine with that.
That’s what I told myself, anyway.
45
ERIK
Ididn’t sleep that night after throwing Kayden out of my apartment. It wasn’t just about the tossing and turning either. The whole argument replayed constantly in my mind like an endless loop. Even that seemed like the least of my troubles. Like, was Kayden even my boyfriend anymore? Had we broken up? You never get the clean break you want from these things. I discovered that in a hurry. There’s always some problem left dangling, and our breakup was no different. I didn’t expect closure anytime soon either.
Normally, I would’ve awakened to a text from Kayden. Usually something about how sexy he found me, how badly he wanted me. As much of a pain in the ass he could be, his texts were an awesome way to start the day. When I didn’t find one that morning, the void couldn’t have been more obvious. He’d gotten the hint, which stunned me. I’m not going to complain about it, though. I’d thrown him out for good reason and had no regrets.
We’d broken up. Like I said, we hadn’t actually used those words, but it was obvious. I’d been through this with girls. I knew the drill. It hurt like hell, but the pain would be temporary.The key here was to move on, keeping things as normal as possible. Normal, in my case, meant going to practice and focusing. Going to practice meant not only seeing Kayden but dealing with him directly. Dealing with him directly would drive me insane…you know, unless I turned into the kind of guy that simply couldn’t control himself.
Which I wasn’t.
After practice, we each stayed behind, just like always, but said nothing to each other. And why not? At that point, what was there to say?
