“Hi,” she returned with a soft smile of her own. She put the sketchpad by her side and moved her hair behind her ear as she watched him take the few steps that brought him to where she sat.
Since their lunch by the same gazebo a few days ago, Brian had been showing up to take her on walks or picnics so they could just talk and reminisce on their fun times together. She had to admit that it had all been great, and it reminded her of the reason she fell in love with him in the first place. It was also scary because she wasn’t sure where it was all going or if she was ready to take that step toward them being them again. Not with the doubts that swirled around in her mind and the fear that he would get tired of not being able to have a child that was his own flesh and blood.
“What are you drawing?” he asked, looking at the sketchpad beside her.
“Oh, nothing, really. Just some sketches,” she responded.
“Can I see?” Brian held his hand out for the book. Brian extended his hand in an offer to take the book. She started to say no, but when she saw his eager look, she felt obliged to give it to him anyhow.
He flipped through the pages. His gaze slipped from the sketchpad to her before focusing on the drawings once more. His lips locked in a grin.Erin felt as though her breath was being held hostage in her chest, and she nervously bit the inside of her lower lip as she waited for him to say something.
“These are really good, E,” he complimented, his gaze locking with hers.
She let out the breath that she’d been holding for so long as her heart began to dance a happy tango. She had always been driven by his compliments on her work, but she brushed it off by saying, "They're not that special," while grabbing for the sketchpad and placing it back in her satchel.
“Are you kidding me? They are incredible,” Brian countered.
“Thanks,” she returned.
Brian sat on the chaise across from her. “It’s been a while since you’ve shown me any of your designs— years, to be exact.”
“That’s because I haven’t drawn anything in a long time. I’ve only started since I came here,” she confessed.
Brian nodded. “What changed?” he asked.
Erin blinked back her surprise at the question. She thought about it for a while before responding. “I don’t know. I just feel a connection to this place, I guess,” she finished with a jostle of her shoulder.
“I’m happy you’re rediscovering this side of you. You’ve always been a remarkable artist, even though you don’t believe it. I always felt you should have followed your passion and done that creative design major back in college,” Brian said.
“That wasn’t something I could have banked on Brian,” Erin argued. “Creative design is a very competitive feel, and making it as a fashion designer is even harder.”
“But so is marketing,” he reasoned.
“It’s still easier to make it in the field,” she countered. “Turning a hobby into a paying gig is hard, especially when you’re not all that good.”
“That’s not true.” Brian shook his head in disagreement. “You are more talented than you give yourself credit, E. I have been saying it for years now. You could have become a famous fashion designer if you wanted.”
“That’s your opinion, Brian, and quite frankly, it doesn’t count.” The second the words flew out of her mouth, she regretted them. Her chest tightened at the surprise in his eyes that quickly flashed to hurt.
“That’s the problem. My opinions have never counted,” he spoke solemnly.
“Brian, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry,” Erin tried to apologize.
“Didn’t you?” he asked, his eyes tightening at the corners.
Her words caught in her throat.
“It’s clear that you’ve already planned your life, and it’s one that I don’t have a chance of being a part of because you’ve made up your mind. You have decided that what I think doesn’t matter.” He rose to his feet then. “I get it, Erin. Believe me, I get it now.” With that, he turned and walked toward the gazebo’s exit.
“Brian,” Erin called frantically after him. Tears clouded her vision as she watched him walk away until he disappeared from her sight. She sagged against the outer column as her lips quivered. A sob left her lips, and the tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
They had been doing so well, yet all the progress they’d made up to that point was rendered useless, thanks to just one sentence. This was exactly what she had been afraid of.
“You can also risk losing what you needed, not realizing it was right in front of you all along.”The words that the old waitress had said to her a year prior returned to her like a specter from the past. Had she just lost the one thing she needed the most? Her chest tightened as her breathing became shallow. Recognizing that she was about to have a panic attack, she placed her head between her legs and took slow, deep breaths through her nostril before releasing them slowly through her mouth. She closed her eyes and repeated the exercise a few times until she felt calm enough to stop. The tears continued to flow freely down her cheek.
* * *
Erin hadn’t heard from Brian in over a week. He had sent her a text that he was returning to New York. That was her last communication with him, and it was driving her crazy, especially since this separation felt even more permanent than the last two. Every time her phone rang, she was quick to check the caller ID hoping it was him, only to be left disappointed when it wasn’t. She was left feeling utterly forlorn as a result of his departure and their lack of contact.
