She exhales. Something in her eyes has shifted. “No, wait.” She swallows hard. “Why didn’t you stop me?” Her eyes are glistening with obvious hurt. “I thought you wouldn’t be able to stand seeing another man kiss me—even Henn.”
My heart squeezes. She looks authentically hurt.
“Kat,” I say, shocked at the genuine emotion on her face.
“I thought you’d stop me.” She wipes her watering eyes.
Oh, shit. I’ve fucked up here, haven’t I? I’ve really fucked up.
“I just...” I begin, my head reeling. “I thought we were in a... battle to the death... I was... just trying to force your hand.”
Why does she look like she’s about to cry?
Kat wipes her eyes again. “I’m tired of battling to the death, Josh,” she says softly, exhaling. “Or maybe I’m just plain tired.” She motions to her room. “You wanna fuck me, but you don’t wanna take off your mask. Sorry, but I’m not interested.”
I’m speechless.
She exhales a long breath. “I’m just gonna get some sleep tonight. I’m totally sleep deprived.”
“What? No. Let me come in with you.”
“Why? What’s the point?” Her blue eyes have steeled over. “Thanks for walking me to my room.” She turns to swipe her key-card in the lock.
“Kat, wait.” I grab her arm.
She freezes.
My pulse is pounding in my ears. How did we go from attacking each other in the elevator to this? What just happened?
“I’m sorry, Kat,” I say. “I... thought you’d back down. I was just... I didn’t understand. I didn’t know it would hurt your feelings.”
She stares at me, apparently waiting for me to continue.
But I don’t. I don’t know what else to say.
“I think I just need a short break from the game—or maybe I just need a little sleep. Either way, I just wanna crash.”
“Kat, wait,” I say, squeezing her arm gently. “Let me come in. Talk to me.”
She shakes her head. “Why won’t you just tell me what’s in your application? How bad can it really be? I’m clearly not Snow White—I’m sure I’ll understand. What’s the big deal at this point?”
I don’t reply.
“Is it S&M, Josh? Is that what you’re into? Because I wouldn’t care.”
“Just, please. Enough. Stop pushing for this. It’s gonna backfire. Trust me. It’s gonna backfire and we won’t be able to stuff that genie back into the bottle.”
“But if I give in now where would we go from there?” She wipes her eyes again. “I admit I’ve fucked this up. Okay? I’ve taken it too far, created a no-win situation—I admit that.” Her eyes water. “But it is what it is. And now I can’t figure out an endgame besides seeing it through to the bitter end. If I don’t insist on it now, then it’ll always be this big ‘thing’ between us. I’ll always wonder what the hell you’re hiding from me.”
I swallow hard. “It’s not that big a deal, okay? It’s really not. It’s just that I don’t talk about certain things,” I say softly. “I’m not always Happy Josh, okay? I’m not always what I seem. And you reading that application would force me to spill my guts to you in a way... I’m not willing to do.”
She twists her mouth. “I never spill my guts, either, Josh. I hate spilling my guts, believe me. But if I had an application, I’d give it to you,” she says softly. “I really would, Josh. I’d spill my guts to you, if the situation were reversed.”
“Easy for you to say. The situation’s not reversed.”
“But if it were, I’d tell you my secrets.” Her lip is trembling.
I can’t formulate a reply. She’s breaking my heart. I don’t understand what’s happening. I haven’t even kissed this goddamned girl and I feel like she’s got a stranglehold on my fucking heart.
