“No, I don’t know what you mean. That’s the problem.I have no idea what you mean.”
I shoot a worried look at Josh. “The patient is flatlining, doctor. We need the crash cart.”
Josh laughs. “He’s too nice—that’s the problem,” Josh says. “Just dick it up a little bit, Henn, and women will be elbowing each other in the earholes to get to you, I guarantee you.”
“‘Dick it up’?” I repeat.
“Absolutely. There’s a time and place for nice and sensitive and sweet—and a time and place for dicking it up. And something tells me Henn needs to introduce more dick into his repertoire.”
“That’syour advice for attracting women? ‘Dick it up’?”
“Absolutely.” He winks at Henn. “Trust me, man. Just throw a big ol’ steaming pile of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ on every woman who crosses your path for the next month, and you’ll have to beat the babes off with a stick.”
“Sorry, Josh,” Henn says. “No offense, but your advice is utterly worthless to me. Whenyoudick it up, I’m sure women wanna birth your babies—but if I were to dick it up even a little bit, women would just call me a dick and walk away.”
“That’s not true, man,” Josh says. “When it comes to women, certain things are tried and true, no matter who you are.”
I sit back in my chair, smirking at Josh. “Please, oh wise and powerful one, tell usmorenuggets of wisdom about how any man, no matter who he is, can bag a babe.”
“I’d be glad to. Well,for one thing, womenthinkthey wanna be chased—that’s what all the movies and books tell ’em they want—but they don’t. Not really.”
“Wedon’t?” I ask. “Huh. Fascinating.”
“It’s true. You chase a woman too hard, she thinks you’re desperate—and womencan’t stand desperate.” He grins at me. “That’s rule number one. If you do the equivalent of driving to her house and holding a boom box over your head, you might as well hand her your dick and balls in a Ziplock baggie, too, ’cause you’re not gonna need ’em any more.” He leans back, looking at me with smoldering eyes. “You always gotta leave her wondering, keep her guessing—at least a little bit.” He winks at me. “That’s how to keep her wanting more.”
I lean forward, my eyes locked on his. “Oh, so, for instance, if a guy’s got a business trip to New York for a whole freaking week, then he should just text brief messages to a woman like, ‘Hey’ and ‘What’s up?’—just enough to let the babe feel like he’s thinking about her but brief and superficial enough to keep her wondering if he’s even interested at all?”
Josh grins broadly. “Exactly. Let her wonder if you give a shit or not. Keep her off-balance. And then just sit back and watch her eat out of the palm of your hand the next time she sees you.”
“Hardly,” I say.
“Dude. What the fuck are you two talking about?” Henn asks.
Josh ignores him. “But you have to be wary. Because she’s a demon spawn and she’ll start fucking with you—doing shit like demanding to see something you’ve never shownanyone,something that’s none of her fucking business—all while acting like what she’s asking for is perfectly reasonable and thatyou’rethe crazy one if you say no.”
“Interesting. Maybe she’s not playing head games, though—ever think of that? Maybe you’re reading the situation wrong, completely misunderstanding her motivations.”
“No, that’s just bullshit justification for sociopathic behavior.”
“Sociopathic?”
“Borderline.”
“Wow.”
“The bottom line is that she’s just a goddamned terrorist—which means that on principle alone, you must never, evergive in to her unreasonable demands.You just gotta keep your eye on the prize—the big picture—and stay strong.”
“What the fuck are you two talking about?” Henn asks.
“And the big picture is . . .?” I ask, completely ignoring Henn. “Pray tell?”
“You don’t know?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t.”
“Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, then I can’t help you.”
I squint at Josh. “So that’s the sum total of your advice on how to bag a babe, huh? Dick it up, dig in your heels, don’t act desperate, and keep your eye on the prize?”
