“It’s always Keane plus someone else,” Ryan adds.
“It’s notalwaysKeane and someone else,” Mom says defensively. “Sometimes, I don’t give extras to Keane.”
“Mom, it’s always Keane and someone else,” Dax says.
Mom looks to Colby for support, but Colby nods in solidarity with Dax.
“Well, Keane’s not here tonight, is he?” Mom sniffs. “So that means he doesn’t get extras this time.” She pauses, smirking. “If your penile brother would rather dance in his underwear for a bunch of screaming women at a bachelorette party than eat dinner with his dear mother, well, then, that’s his choice, isn’t it?”
Every single person at the table, including Mom and Dad, simultaneously lose their shit.
“You think I don’t know what Keane’s been up to?” Mom says, laughing hysterically.
But Colby, Ryan, Dax, and I can’t compose ourselves enough to reply to her. We’re like flopping fish on a riverbank, incapacitated by our laughter.
Mom shrugs and takes a long sip of her wine, her eyes full of pure evil. “Let this be a lesson to all of you kids: in the age of smartphones, don’t even try to get away with something devious—your mother will always find out.”
My brothers and I can’t stop screaming with laughter.
“Who ratted him out?” Ryan finally asks, clutching his stomach.
“One of my friends from Bunco. Her daughter Deanna went to a bachelorette party the other night, and apparently a certain male stripper showed up to entertain the ladies with some gyrating dance moves.” Mom rolls her eyes. “I must say the photo I’ve got of Keane dancing around in his underwear is definitely one for my memory book—I’m gonna put it right next to the one I have of Keane dancing around in his diapers.”
Everyone laughs again.
“Oh my God,” Dax says, holding his sides. “Best day ever.”
“So, anyway,” Mom continues, “the point is you guys gotta actually show up for dinner in order to get extras—it’s how I bribe you to come home occasionally. Which means Keane’s extras are now Josh’s.” She smiles sweetly at Josh and takes a long sip of her wine.
“Oh, no, I couldn’t take Keane’s extras,” Josh says politely, but even I can hear how much he’s hoping she’ll insist.
“Iinsist,” Mom says, right on cue, much to my joy and relief.
Josh’s thigh jiggles under my palm.
“I coddle Keaney way too much, anyway,” Mom continues. “It’s time for that boy to get off the teat.”
We all burst out laughing, yet again. Oh my God, when Mom gets a little tipsy, she’s truly hysterical.
Mom leans toward Josh, her eyes sparkling. “You’re in the line-up now, honey, whether you like it or not. Ask the other kids—when it comes to extras, what I say goes.”
“Yup,” Ryan says. “And not just about extras. Mom runs a tight ship all around. Don’t let that pretty face fool you—she’s a barracuda.” He winks at Mom.
Josh beams a huge smile at Mom. “I think I see where Kat gets her backbone.”
Dad and all three of my brothers simultaneously express agreement with that statement.
“Thank you very much,” Josh says. “I’m thrilled and honored to be in the extras line-up.”
“We’re thrilled to have you,” Mom says—and my heart skips a beat at the smile she flashes him.
Oh my God, this night is going better than I could have dreamed. I rub Josh’s thigh under the table and I swear I can feel an electric current buzzing just underneath the denim of his jeans.
Mom turns her iron-butterfly gaze on Ryan. “You get extras tonight, too, Rum Cake.”
“Yesssss,” Ryan says, fist-pumping the air. “Thank you, dearest Mother.”
“Enjoy, honey. Thank you for coming to dinner—I know you’re busy.” She takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes, betraying the emotion she’s actually feeling, despite her outward swagger. “So, it’s settled: Josh and Ryan get extras; Josh is welcome here any time; and Keaney’s a male stripper. New topic. How’s the planning for Sarah’s wedding coming along, Kitty? Seems like you’ve been running all over town like a chicken with your head cut off.”
