Kat opens her eyes and smiles. “Thank you, Baby Whisperer. Now take off those briefs and get your YOLO’d ass in here.”
I do as I’m told, of course—and, as I’m lowering myself into the warm water, Kat points at my crotch with cartoon-like, wide eyes.
“What’sthat?” Kat asks.
I look down at my naked body. “What?”
“That.” She points right at my hard dick. “That ding-a-ling thing.”
“Ohthat?” I smile from ear to ear. “It’s mythingamabob.”
Kat giggles. “You’ve seenThe Little Mermaid?”
“I told you I was a very nice boy.” I stroke her smooth thighs under the warm water.
“Youwerea very nice boy?”
“That’s right. Past tense. I’m a verybadboy now—abeastwith a raging boner.”
“Ooh, that gives me a faboosh idea,” Kat says. “How about you and me do a porno version ofBeauty and the Beasttomorrow night?”
I chuckle. “So we’re gonna do the entire Disney catalog, huh?”
Kat giggles. “Why not? I’d love to see how you’d pull offSnow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“Pfft. Child’s play,” I say, running my palms over her curves under the warm water. “Six dildos and an apple. Easy peasy.”
Kat laughs.
“Okay, Little Mermaid,” I say. “We’ve got probably three hours ’til our little fishy wakes up, screaming and demanding to be fed—so let’s use our free time wisely, shall we?”
“Yes, sir.” Kat grabs my dick and strokes it with authority. “LetThe Little Mermaidmini-pornobegin.”
“You know what?” I say, licking my hungry lips. “I’ve suddenly got an inexplicable craving for sushi.”
I begin lowering my face into the water, but Kat grips my hair, stopping my movement.
“Ariel is mute when she’s human remember?” she says. “Her voice is trapped in that necklace thing. So let me say this now: I had a really great time tonight, my love. I love you so much—and, oh, you fucked me brilliantly.”
“I love you, too,” I say. “Now quit your yapping, Ariel. It’s time for me to show you what thatwhatzitbetween your legs can do.”
Epilogue
Josh
I pull my brand new, cherry-red Ferrari FF into my driveway and sit for a moment, singing along to the song blaring through my speakers. It’s my current theme song: “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled. When the fucking awesome song finishes, I kill the engine of my fucking awesome car and lovingly caress my steering wheel.
“I love you, baby,” I say softly to my beautiful car—my thirty-first birthday present to myself. It’s just a little something to celebrate how fucking hard I’mwinningat The Game of Fucking Life. God-damn, I’m a fucking beast. All I do is win, win, win, baby. Fuck yeah, I do. No matter what. Because I’m awinner. Truth.
I run my hands tenderly over my steering wheel again, exhaling with near-sexual pleasure as I do. God-damn, this is a beautiful fucking car. I get a hard-on every time I get behind the wheel. Fuck yeah, I do. I’ve got a beautiful fucking Ferrari to match my beautiful fucking Ferrari of a wife and my sweet little baby girl and fucking awesome house ten minutes away from my fucking awesome brother.
And not only that, Climb and Conquer is absolutely slaying it these days—we’ve already shattered our mid-year revenue projections and we’re planning major expansion in seven more markets later this year—plus, our designated charities are all flourishing, too. As it turns out, Jonas’ entire business model was pure fucking genius. Surprise, surprise.
And, on top of allthat, when I got home from work last night, I’d no sooner taken two steps through my front door than my beautiful sick fuck of a wife silently greeted me at the door by unzipping my pants, kneeling before me, and sucking my big ol’ dick ’til I exploded into her waiting mouth. God-damn, I’m crushing life. Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, baby. Boo-fucking-yah.
I pull my phone out of my glove box and quickly scan my texts, and, as expected, there’s a message from good ol’ fucking awesome and reliable T-Rod, confirming everything’s set for my romantic-stay-at-home birthday dinner with my two favorite blondes. “Everyone’s already at your house, setting up,” Theresa writes. “Chef, waiter, violin, cello. Oh, and I added a viola just for yucks. Have fun, Birthday Boy!”
I shoot off a quick reply. “Thanks a million, T. Just got home. Gonna be a great night.”
