Kat giggles.
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I’m great.” Her face is positively glowing. “Better than great.”
“Hang on. I’ll get some water and your toothbrush out of your duffel bag.” I sprint to the car, grab a couple bottles of water, Kat’s toothbrush, and a tube of toothpaste out of her bag, and race back to her. “Here you go, PG. Do your thing. I’ll wait.” I wink.
She smiles sheepishly and walks toward the side of the house, but before turning the corner, she stops and turns around. “Josh, please, while I’m gone, for the love of God, don’t change your mind about what you’re planning to ask me.Please.”
“Are you gonna say yes?” I ask.
She clutches her heart. “Of course.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
“Was there ever a doubt?”
“Babe, when it comes to you, I’m never completely sure what the fuck you’re gonna do.”
We beam massive, excited smiles at each other.
“Now go brush your teeth, hot momma,” I say. “I’m gonna wanna kiss you after you say yes.”
“Oh. Right. Okay. I’ll be right back.” She sprints around the side of the house, giggling, and disappears.
I pull out my phone and text Henn. “The Asshole’s inside his house, looking at his computer. He was threatening to call the police. Send him a message loud and clear, would you? Make sure he knows he’s at my fucking mercy.”
“Gotcha, boss. When he comes back out, the tiger will be nothing more than a pussy cat—I promise.”
Kat returns from around the corner looking fresh as the morning dew at the same time Garrett opens his front door, his face bright red.
“Motherfucker,” Garrett says. “So this is blackmail? You want money?”
I scoff. “No, not at all. This is twenty minutes of payback for you being a total asshole to the love of my life for eight long months. I’m gonna make your life miserable for mere minutes and then leave you alone to cheat on your wife as much as you please. Of course, you deserve to have me fuck up your life irreparably, but by all accounts, your wife is a really sweet lady and totally clueless about you. So I’m not gonna do a damn thing to you, just to spare her from embarrassment. Plus, as a side note, blackmailing a guy worth a mere fraction of my net worth would be a pretty stupid thing to do, don’t you think? Yeah, that’s right, Garrett, I’ve seen your bank statements. I could buy you at least a hundred times over, fucker.” I point to Kat’s necklace. “See that?Real.” I hold up Kat’s arm like she’s a rag doll and point to her sparkling bracelet. “And this?Real.Both gifts from me—and that’s justtoday. Who the fuck knows what tokens of my affection I might give her for Christmas and her birthday and maybe after she sucks my dick extra nice. And do you wanna know why? Because this woman’s gonna be mywife.”
Kat lets out a loud wail and throws her arms around me.
I hug her to me, still looking at Garrett Asshole Bennett, my eyes burning with near-homicidal rage. “Make no mistake about it, motherfucker, any wife of mine is gonna bedrippingin motherfucking diamonds, cocksucker—I promise you that.”
Kat makes a very, very bizarre sound—a sound I couldn’t categorize if I tried—and presses her body fervently into mine, kissing my cheeks frenetically.
“So,” I say, dodging Kat’s furious lips, “like I said, if you want us to leave and never come back, then all you’ve got to do is stand here and watch me pop the question and we’ll be on our merry way, off to fuck like rabbits for the third (but not final) time today, never to think about your pathetic, hypocritical, miserable ass ever again as long as we both shall live.” I look at Kat. “You ready, my love? It’s time for me to ask you to be my wife.”
Kat nods, her eyes blazing. “Oh my God.”
“But, wait. You know what? One more thing before I do that.”
Kat throws up her hands and exhales loudly, flapping her lips together.
I wink at her. “Patience, my love.” I look at Garrett and my jaw sets. “Apologize to my future wife for what you did to her, asshole.”
Garrett looks flabbergasted.
“It’s okay,” Kat says, putting her hand on my forearm. “Let’s not waste our time on—”
“Ssh. I told you, baby. This ismyfantasy, not yours.” I look at Garrett again, my eyes burning. “Tell my future wife and mother of my child you’re sorry for what you did to her. For using her. Lying to her. Slut-shaming her. You gave my future wife a complex about her superpower and now you’re gonna tell her you’re sorry.”
Garrett’s nostrils flair. His jaw muscles pulse. He looks at Kat, not a hint of apology in his eyes. “Kat, I think you took things between uswaytoo hard. I don’t even remember saying you weren’t ‘marriage material’—”
