The band onstage behind Jonas and me finishes playing a cover of Pharrell William’s “Happy” and the partygoers packed into Climb & Conquer’s flagship Seattle gym applaud uproariously.
“Welcome to our grand opening,” I say to the crowd, speaking into the microphone in my hand. “I know you’re all chomping at the bit to keep climbing and conquering our rock walls for the first time ever today—so we’re gonna keep the talking to a minimum. We just wanted to thank you all for coming out to the gym today to celebrate the birth of our baby.”
Everyone claps and cheers.
“For those of you who don’t already know,” I continue, “I’m Josh Faraday and this is my brother, Jonas—and we’re the founders of Climb & Conquer.” The band behind us breaks into a spontaneous riff of “For He’s the Jolly Good Fellow” and everyone laughs. “Wow, could you guys follow me around wherever I go?” I say.
Everyone in the room chuckles.
“Although, if you’re gonna follow me around playing my own personal theme music, I think it’d have to be ‘The Joker.’”
The band instantly breaks into a few bars of that song, and everyone in the entire building, including me, bursts out laughing.
“Wow, you’re good,” I say, pointing at the bandleader, and she points back at me, a huge smile on her face. I address the crowd again. “Jonas and I have worked hard to bring Climb & Conquer to life—but it’s really Jonas who first had the vision—so I’m gonna turn the microphone over to my brother and let him tell you what Climb & Conquer is all about. Jonas?”
Everyone applauds and I hand the microphone to my brother.
“Hi, everyone. Thanks, Josh.” Jonas flashes his most charmingsmile and begins telling the rapt audience about what climbing has meant to him personally during his life and how he’s always dreamed of sharing his passion with the world.
Wow. For a guy who despises public speaking as much as Jonas does, I’m duly impressed with how well Jonas is pulling this off—especially since, when we were planning our speeches for this event a few days ago, Jonas practically begged me to do all the speaking. “How about I stand onstage next to you and nod while you talk?” he said. “I’ll be the ‘something shiny’—remember that?”
“Sorry, bro,” I told him, much to his obvious chagrin. “Your ‘something shiny’ days are officially over—you’re our frontman now, baby. And, anyway, C&C has been your dream from day one—you gotta be the one to explain it.”
He looked totally bummed.
“Plus, as a practical matter,” I continued, “a bunch of local news stations are gonna be covering the grand opening. If one of our faces is gonna be plastered all over the news talking about our company’s mission, it’s gotta be yours, Pretty Boy.”
Jonas groaned.
“Oh, just nut up, Jonas. It’s not my fault you’re the pretty one.”
“But that’s the thing, Josh,” Jonas replied. “You always say I’m the pretty one—that I’ve got the looks and you’ve got the personality—but in all seriousness—and believe me, I hate to stroke your ego about this—I truly think you’re better looking than I am.”
“Well, yeah,duh, I’m better looking than you are, numnuts—of course, I am,” I said. “It’s just that, for some reason, no one else seems to recognize that obvious fact.”
Jonas laughed.
“It is what it is, bro—embrace it. You’re the pretty one, which means you’ve got to do the pretty-brother-speech.” I patted him on his pretty cheek. “Just pretend everyone in the audience is naked. Isn’t that what they always say you should do for public speaking?”
“Yeah,” Jonas sighed, resigned to his fate.
“Except for Kat—don’t pretend Kat’s naked or I’ll have to punch you in your pretty face.”
“Isn’t Henn gonna be there?” Jonas asked.
“Good point.” I grimaced. “Don’t picture Henn naked, either, or you might give yourself an aneurysm.”
“And Sarah’s mom? And Kat’s parents? Because I’d rather cut off my arm than imagine any of them naked,” Jonas said.
“Okay, fine. Shit,” I replied. “I wasn’t being literal. I was just saying don’t stress about the speech—you’ll be great.”
Jonas laughed. “Don’t worry—I’ll be fine. I’llhateto do it, but I’ll manage it. I’ll just look at Sarah the whole time and I’ll be fine.”
The audience in front of me laughs at something Jonas is saying and my brain tunes back into the present moment.
“... . our initial twenty gyms in five states,” Jonas is saying into the microphone, “and we’re just getting started.”
My eyes scan the crowd and land on Kat’s gorgeous face—and then immediately drift down to the adorable baby bump that’s only recently popped out of her slender frame. Damn, Kat’s hot as hell. I can’t get enough of that terrorist under normal circumstances, but nowadays, with her cute little belly and blossoming tits and raging pregnancy hormones, my Kat-addiction is now officially completely out of control. If Kat were a drug, there’d be no choice but for my loved ones to stage an intervention.
