“God, it always freaks me out when you’re the dumb one,” Jonas says. He shakes his head at me again. “Josh, the movies Kat watches over and over, the movies she so obviously loves, are the most obvious roadmap to her deepest desires. If she lovesPretty Woman,then watch it and give it to her.”
My pulse is pounding in my ears. “You know what, bro? You’re absolutely right.The Bodyguard, Pretty Woman, Say Anything, Magic Mike.She loves ’em all.”
“There you go. Whatever floats her boat and gets her going, watch it, learn it, and deliver it to her. She’s telling you as plain as day how to hack her. So do it—hack the shit out of her.”
“Oh my fuck, yes,” I say. I’m suddenly so excited, I can barely sit still. “This is brilliant, bro. I’m gonna hack the fuck into Katherine Ulla Morgan and give her what she’s always wanted.”
“There you go.” Jonas takes a sip of his drink. “Sounds like you’ve got some research to do.”
“Fuck yeah, I do. I’ll watch all her stupid movies on the sly whenever she’s asleep—which is a lot these days.”
“Hey, you should watch that movie the girls watched tonight, too,” Jonas says. He snaps his fingers like he’s trying to come up with the title.
“Shit. You’re right,” I say. “What was that thing called? I was only half listening.”
“I dunno. I was only half-listening, too,” Jonas says. “The Notebook?”
“No, that wasn’t it—but I’d better watch that one, too.”
“Yeah, good idea. That one’s pretty sappy. Have a barf bag ready when you watch that one.”
I laugh. “You’ve seen that one, too?”
“Of course.”
I shake my head. “You’re better at this woman-thing than I gave you credit for, Jonas.”
“Thank you. Finally, you understand my brilliance.”
“Okay, so back to the task at hand. What the fuck was the movie the girls watched tonight? Kat said the woman fromThe Notebookwas in it. That’s when I tuned out.”
Jonas pulls out his phone. “The girls said a red-haired guy’s in it, too, right?”
“Yeah. That’s right. The guy fromHarry PotterandEx Machina.”
“Boom,” Jonas says, looking at his phone. “About Time.”
“That doesn’t even remotely ring a bell,” I say.
“Well, not for me, either. I must have tuned out, too. But it’sgotta be it. It’s Rachel McAdams and some redheaded guy.” He shows me his phone, upon which a decidedly vaginal movie poster is being displayed.
“Yep. That’s definitely it. Can’t get much more chick-flick than that. Hey, I just thought of another movie I gotta watch,” I say. “Pride and Prejudice.”
“Oh, definitely. She’s been calling you Mr. Darcy, you better figure out why.”
“I can’t believe you’ve seen that one,” I say. “Have you no pride?”
“No, I don’t—but you obviously do—hence the reason Kat kept calling you Mr. Darcy.” He rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe Kat called you that and you didn’t even bother to watch the movie and find out why. Clearly, she was giving you a coded message.”
“It didn’t even occur to me.”
“Well, watch it, you dumbshit. Mr. Darcy proposes twice in that movie and the heroine turns him down the first time.” A light bulb clearly goes off in Jonas head. “Oh shit,” he says, sitting up in his chair. “And do you know what the woman says when she turns Mr. Darcy down the first time?”
I shrug. “Fucketh you-eth?”
“Holy shit, Josh.No. She says, ‘I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth.’”
“Oh my fuck.” I slap my forehead. “Kat’s diabolical.”