“Well?” Jonas says.
“I’m thinking,” I say.
“Don’t strain yourself.”
I laugh.
“Hey, you’re wise and powerful, remember?” Jonas says. “Even if Kat’s not scared of a damned thing, she’s gotta bescarredby something—or maybe secretlyyearningfor something.Think. What’s buried deep, deep, deep inside that woman’s heart and soul? Figure it out, unlock it, and deliver it to her on a silver platter—bigger and better than she’d ever imagine—and that’s how you’ll give her a proposal she’ll ‘tell her grandchildren about.’”
I wince. “When I said that to you at Uncle William’s house, I never thought in a million years it would come back to bite me in the ass.”
“Well, it has. So take your own advice. Your exact words were, ‘If you’re gonna surprise the girl, then make sure you blow her socksoff. This is the story she’s gonna be telling her grandkids one day. So don’t fuck it up,’” Jonas says. “That’sexactlywhat you said to me.” He brings his glass to his lips and surveys the twinkling Caracas skyline. “So now it’s time to walk the walk, motherfucker.”
I lean back in my chair, my mind reeling. “Shit,” I say. “I seriously have no idea what to do.”
“Well, whatever it is, you’ve got to pull out all the stops.”
“Fuck,” I say, feeling suddenly panicked. “Kat said she wouldn’t marry me if I were the last man on earth, Jonas. Help me, man. I need to trick that demon-woman into saying yes.”
Jonas laughs. “You’ve tricked her pretty well so far.”
I scowl at him.
“Don’t worry, Josh,” Jonas says soothingly. “We’ll figure this out. She’s but a mortal woman and you’re a wise and powerful demi-god. We’ll topple her.”
“Thank you, Jonas,” I say, feeling mildly comforted. “So where do I start?”
“Well, let’s start with the basics,” Jonas says. “You gotta tell her you love her this time.”
“Thank you, Einstein.”
“And you gotta get her a ring so big it sears her fucking corneas.”
I nod. “Yet again, not rocket science.”
“You say that but you weren’t already planning to do that, were you?” Jonas says.
“Yes, I was.Duh. I’m gonna get Kat a ring so big, she’s gonna need a fuckingcraneto carry it around.”
Jonas laughs. “Good boy.”
I swig my water, my mind reeling. Fuck me. I’ve got to get this exactly right.
“So what else are you thinking?” Jonas says. “‘Whatever you do, it’s gotta be rock solid, man—it’s got to be a homerun. There’s absolutely no room for failure.’”
Obviously, he’s quoting me from Uncle William’s dining room. Who knew my own words would come back to put the fear of God into me a mere two months later? Back then, I truly thought I’d never get married—a thought that’s absolutely laughable to me now.
“Okay, okay,” I say. “I get it. I talk a good game when it’s notme stepping up to home plate.” I swig my water again. “Stop razzing me and help me, Jonas. Please. I’m desperate.”
Jonas chuckles. “Finally, the Kung Fu master begs Grasshopper for help.”
“Jesus, are you gonna berate me or help me? I need your help, Jonas. I already asked her once and she said no. If she turns me down again, especially now that I love her like I do, I’d seriously never recover, man. I’m not exaggerating. I’d be a broken man, forever.” I clutch my stomach, suddenly feeling ill.
Jonas looks sympathetic. “Aw, Josh. She won’t say no. She loves you.”
“You don’t know Kat,” I say. “She’s capable of anything. She’s a demon spawn, like I said. She’d cut off my balls and make s’mores out of ’em without batting an eyelash.”
Jonas grimaces. “Jesus.”
