“The three little words?” I clarify.
“Oh.” Jonas’ grin broadens. “Yeah. I told her.” I can tell he’s blushing, even in the moonlight.
“First time ever saying it?”
“Yeah.” His smile broadens yet again.
“Did it freak you out to say it?”
“Not in the slightest. It just felt good—really,reallygood.”
I ponder that for a minute. “You were never tempted to say it before Sarah?”
Jonas crinkles his nose like I’ve said something distasteful. “No.”
“Not even to Amanda?”
Jonas shrugs. “Well, I knew I was ‘supposed’ to say it to Amanda based on the passage of time—I knew shewantedme to say it to her. But, no, I was never even tempted. Did you ever say it to Emma?”
I nod. “It took me three years, but yeah.”
“Three years? Wow, and here I thought I was the emotionally stunted asshole of the two of us.”
I shrug and sip my beer. “Not something to say lightly.”
Jonas makes a sound that tells me he agrees with my statement. “Emma’s the only girl you’ve ever said it to?” he asks.
I nod.
“Damn. She hung in there for three fucking years, waiting for you to say it?”
I shrug. “Yeah. But we had the whole long-distance thing, you know—three years wasn’t really three years if you add up the time we were actually in the same room.”
“How’d it feel when you said it to her?” Jonas asks. “Did it feel good or did it freak you out?”
“Both.”
“Did she say it back?”
“Yeah, she said it back—and for a brief moment in time, I felt kind of like, ‘Phew. That’s a relief. I’m normal.’” I shake my head. “But in retrospect, exchanging those words just lulled me into a false sense of security. Once I said them, I started thinking it was safe to say some other shit too—and, as I found out pretty damned quick, it wasn’t.”
I can feel Jonas’ eyes on me, but he doesn’t speak.
“As it turns out, saying the words doesn’t make the feelings real.” I pause. “It was like Emma was signing a software licensing agreement—she just scrolled to the bottom and pressed ‘I agree.’”
Jonas makes a sympathetic sound.
“In fact, come to think of it, Emma didn’t actually say the words back to me. She just said, ‘Me, too.’”
“Ooph.”
“Yeah.” I pause. “Ooph.”
There’s a beat.
“I thought I loved her—I really did,” I say. “But now that I’m watching you and Sarah, I realize I probably didn’t. I mean can you really love someone if they don’t love you back?”
My question is rhetorical, but Jonas answers me, anyway. “I like to think I’d love Sarah even if she didn’t love me back. And yet I can’t imagine I would have beenableto love her like I do if she didn’t love me. The way Sarah loves me makes me feel like it’s safe to love her all the way.”
